“If she were only ordinary” – L.B.B Jeffries
This line from Rear Window bugs me oh so much. It’s bought up the whore/madonna thing in my head again…
In Freudian psychoanalysis, this complex apparently only exists in men who have been bought up by cold/distant mothers. This means the women they are in real relationships they love, but have problems being intimate with said person. They feel comfortable being sexual with girls they see as “dirty”, and will not allow for loving feelings in these relationships.
I’ve been thinking about it a lot over the past year, and I know I contribute to the way men treat me, the way I talk to some of them, etc… As soon as intellectual conversation comes to the table some/most men switch off (the last one didn’t, and maybe that freaked me out a little too. That and the rule of “intellectual conversation after sex”, but that put me in a tight spot too, as it put pressure on when I decided I was comfortable enough to sleep with him. So really I couldn’t win! …and I wouldn’t conclude him as being an arse for doing that, obviously he was just try to speed up the process. I’m just too smart to let it get in the way of what I wanted.). Then in relative terms any men I’ve been intellectually involved with get all weirded out as soon as any intimacy becomes involved. Can’t win, I am either The Madonna or The Whore.
Could someone please tell me if men AT ALL have the capability to see a woman as a person who they can have amazing conversations with, and also have great sex with too? I do know of one example, Geoffrey Robertson and Kathy Lette, there’s a couple I could imagine have a healthy intellectual and sexual relationship.
Then again, I can’t talk, I’ve only seen that in one man in my whole life… Oh wait maybe two or three, but I don’t count anyone I liked before the age of 25.
This has also bought up one of my other favourite parts of a movie:
Harry: He wants her to leave. That’s why he puts her on the plane.
Sally: I don’t think she wants to stay.
Harry: Of course she wants to stay. Wouldn’t you rather be with Humphrey Bogart than the other guy?
Sally: I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in Casablanca married to a man who runs a bar. That probably sounds very snobbish to you, but I don’t.
Harry: You’d rather be in a passionless marriage –
Sally: – and be the First Lady of Czechoslovakia –
Harry: – than live with the man… you’ve had the greatest sex of your life with, just because he owns a bar and that is all he does.
Sally: Yes, and so would any woman in her right mind. Women are very practical. Even Ingrid Bergman, which is why she gets on the plane at the end of the movie.
This is the other thing, boys talk about passion all the time, about how much they want it, but then they go off with the safe girls!? WTF? I don’t get it.
They talk of wanting strong independent women, then they shack up with chicks who suffocate their lives, while the rest of us live life in the single zone… *cue music* dodedodo dodedodo
This is the first real year I’ve had any NYE resolutions…
I’ve said I wanted to do things, but never gone through with them because of self doubt, that’s going to be my first big AMBER SMASH for this year.
My first resolution is that I will transcend all doubts about who I am, I will accept who I am, and I will go forward with those things I’ve been wanting to do for the last 10 years but held back.
I resolve to be in New York for New Years 2011/2012.
I resolve to get the rights to translate Vladimir Nabokov’s “Invitation to a Beheading” into a play, and also resolve to put said play on. It is the most amazing story of isolation, doubt, depression, anxiety, and the transcendence through to acceptance. It’s a thing of beauty.
I resolve to get up on stage and have confidence, and hopefully make people laugh. Even if I don’t make them laugh, I resolve to find my comfortable spot on stage.
I resolve to treat my family and friends better, even when they are driving me bonkers.
I resolve to leave the boy alone, as it’s just driving him further away when I want him closer.
I resolve to move back to the inner-city this year.
I resolve to work in something other than just Admin, I want a change.
I resolve to have some of my writing published somewhere other than this blog.
I resolve to get the hypothetical bandwagon running again, I want this on stage ASAP.
I resolve to put on my solo show at fringe.
I resolve to make major in-roads into my study, as I’m not going to become an international lawyer by sitting on my arse.
The last ten years of my life have been the steepest learning curve I have ever ridden.
The last year the steepest of the lot. I feel like I’ve been trudging up the steepest hill while dragging a big block of lead behind me. It’s been a long and hard road. I’ve learnt some of the most tremendous things about myself over the last year though, and its led to some amazing New Years Resolutions (read the next blog to see them).
I love my family tremendously, they mean the world to me, even if they do drive me a little batty at times. I’m so sick of hurting them, but I also have to come to terms with the fact that they are not always going to love the decisions I make.
My family ARE my press, they are the ones in my ears asking all the questions when I decide I want to do something. I used to get really frustrated, because I couldn’t answer their questions, which led to doubt, which inevitably lead to me not following through with ANYTHING I’ve ever wanted to, because I’ve been too scared. Learning to transcend the anxiety, sit with it, and traverse to the next level is what I’ll be working on throughout the year, oh, and answer their questions, and not get angry when they bug me. Oh and to pick up on sarcasm, cause I’ve been in too dark a headspace to get it sometimes.
My friends, ahh my beautiful friends. They’ve comforted me when I’ve needed it. Thank you for being there when I have to yell, cry, and most importantly laugh. I really appreciate you guys being there for me. It’s been a long and arduous year, and next year will be much saner for all of us I think!
The men who have traversed through my life in the last year.
The EUM at the start of the year. You were an eye opener. Apparently I am pretty, thanks, you helped with my ego, then crushed it into a million tiny pieces when you told me I needed self-respect. Which is partially true, but you also sir need to respect the people you are in any kind of relationship with. Just because your shagging someone does not mean they do not deserve your respect. You sir are not a very nice human being. Oh and as a side, you need to practise what you preach, you did some of the exact same things you told me I shouldn’t be doing.
The latest schwing fling, you made me realise that I’m actually pretty enough to get them men I want. Which is not something I thought possible. But baggage from the aforementioned idiot (and needing an escape from the whirlwind of hell going on around me) meant I did stupid things and scared you away. I live with no regrets, but I have learnt my lesson, and if there is anything I’m really good at its change. I see exactly what I did wrong, and I suppose if you never come back, I’ll at least not make the same mistakes again. I miss you though…
Work… God I’ve screwed up a few things, but again, with perspective and a verve for change on 2011, I will be a new woman.
Here’s to new beginnings lovely people.
Lots of love and the happiest of New Years cheer.
Dear Film/TV directors, producers etc…,
If you’re going to film in my hometown (or anywhere I know the streets like the back of my hand for that matter) please ensure you check your continuity before putting said TV show to air or releasing said film…
I know I’m probably being finicky, but it really bugs me when I’m watching something like “Offspring” and a character walks out of the Freemason’s in East Melbourne then is on Brunswick street about 2 minutes later (trust me I know, I’ve done the walk from Gipps St to Brunswick St plenty of times. It isn’t a 2 minute walk). Oh and please don’t refer to the flower shop on Brunswick St as the flower shop on Alexandra Pde. Two completely different streets…
Or the worst offender ever The Big Steal (and this is big coming from me, as this is one of my all time fav Aussie movies), when Steve Bisley’s character Gordon Farkas is being followed by the Police after a big night on the turps, he turns off the Top end of Swanston Street (near Flinders St Station), to mysteriously park on Cavell St in St Kilda. That kinda stuff really annoys me!
Please be true to this beautiful city of mine, as every square inch of her needs to be respected.
P.S. As a side note please have passion, please have a look at my blog After the deluge… for my definition of passion.
So with this free time I’ve got… I’m writing like a mad woman, sewing, and creating new and improved recipes…
The writing side of me has made me think of where my love for comedy started. As I know it wasn’t 4 years ago, Tripod were the stepping stone to live comedy, which I’d never really gotten into… I knew I enjoyed live comedy, but I’d never had the inkling to go, as I was so enthralled by the amazingness of muso’s.
I put the first foray’s into said love to when I was about 6 or 7, my brother got two copied cassette tapes from his friend. The first had The Satanic Sketches by the D-Generation (it took me awhile to convince them to let me listen to it, I’m pretty sure my brother Corey and I snuck away with it at one stage), and the other one had Bill Cosby stand-up on side A (which is pretty family friendly), and on side B there was this reformed American Evangelical Priest called Mike Warnkie.
Looking back it seems that I have literally grown up the D-Gen in mant different forms, The Late Show, Comedy Company, Fast Forward, The Panel, Thank God You’re Here, and various other Working Dog Productions. We all know these guys are my heroes, they have been for years, and I don’t think I would have loved sketch comedy as much had it not been for them.
The Bill Cosby stand-up is pretty stock standard comedy, jokes about his wife and family, my one stand out is a bit he does about not knowing what to give his kids for breakfast (because you know, woman are the only ones in this world who know how to cook *rolls eyes*), so he gives them chocolate cake that he’s found from the night before. The kids decide that dad is great because of the chocolate cake and make up the song: “Daddy’s great, he gave us chocolate cake for breakfast”. So you know, now it doesn’t seem all that funny now, but to a 7 or 8 year old, that was HILARIOUS!
The last of the three is a little darker, I think my brother’s friend added this as his family were a little bit god fearing, most of Mike’s stories are about the Vietnam War, and his time in the Marine Corp. One of the quotes my family still quote being “I spent three and a half years in the MARINE CORP”. There is also the story that always reminds me of the teacher in “Dazed and Confused” which is when their Sargent is giving the “pep talk”. It usually goes something like: “Boys, as my Sargent once said to me, you’ll all go in, and only half of you will come back”…
These days, my love for comedy exceeds what I ever would have thought it could or ever would have.
My indefinite heroes are two fine and amazing Comediennes: Gilda Radner (RIP beautiful girl) and Amy Sedaris (I can’t wait to meet Amy, she is AMAZING!)…
Please allow me to indulge you and myself with a few you of my Favourite Gilda and Amy moments…
Gilda Radner as Baba Wawa
Gilda Radner “Lets Talk Dirty to the Animals”
Gilda Radner “Honey Touch Me”
Amy Sedaris on “Watch What Happens L!ve”
Amy Sedaris giving us a tour of her part o the neighborhood: Greenwich Village
Amy Sedaris on “Strangers with Candy”
Amy Sedaris on “Exit 57”
Love or hate them, these ladies are Geeniouses!
…and as an aside, 2011 is going to be one hell of an amazing year in Australian TV (Offspring, The Librarians, and Laid to name a few) and film (25, I’m kinda excited about this one!), so PLEASE make sure you go out and support it, and local comedy for that matter…
So this year, I want to do something a little bit different with my family, I want to inject some of our Estonian / Latvian roots into our Christmas cheer…
We usually make Pirag, which is a sweet dough with a bacon and onion mix in it, and they taste DIVINE! I am going to make some next weekend, and take a whole heap to work with me, as I’ve been talking about them non-stop..
Legend has it that the first Decorated Christmas Tree was actually put up in the Medieval Square in Riga, Latvia in 1510. This tradition has been kept for 350 years. People from all around go to see the decoration of the Christmas Tree in Medieval Square to this day.
There are two stories that are told about the first Christmas Tree;
The first is of three men in black hats, who went into the forest, and decorated a tree, then burnt it down after they performed pagan rituals.
The second is of Martin Luther, which is actually said to be set in Northern Germany, in which he lit candles on the tree.
The lighting of the candles on the tree, is akin to the countdown and advent of Christmas. The lights also symbolise the lighting of candles to encourage Mitras (the pagan God of Sun) to reappear next year. Mistletoe was also seen as a sacred plant in pagan rituals, and kissing under the mistletoe began as a fertility ritual.
One of the hardest things to fathom (and also makes me thankful that my Nanna and Grandad settled in Australia) is that during the 50 years of Soviet Occupation of the three Baltic States is that Christmas was actually banned. They were not allowed to celebrate their Christmas traditions.
To be continued…
After reading Tony Martins latest blog, and the things that have been going on in my life over the last few weeks, I’ve been thinking about the groupie phenomenon again…
Why would a gal be with the most butt ugly guy ever? I asked myself that question everytime I would see the little weedy guy who was once in “Taxiride”(yeah remember them?), drag yet another girl into the toilet at a gig…
I’m genuinely a very shy person, it takes me a lot to trust… So I get frustrated at what I see as my cowardice, and drink to overcome it and the inevitable hi-jinx ensue…
This on plenty of occasions has caused me to be misconstrued, seen as a slut, or a groupie… I’m not down with any of it, especially after I’d heard somone saying I was only friends with a few of my friends to get closer to a band I loved… To that I still say fuck you, as I do things at my own pace, and if it takes time for people to see the real me, at least I know they are worth it. They stuck it out, and now they get me. In regards to the bands, actors and comedians, again, I’ll talk to them when we have something to talk about… Not just cause I want to get in their faces and say hi… Not my style…
I don’t sleep with people because of their status, or who they know. I’m
Extremely picky with the boys I like, I like brains over anything else.
There’s something about a smart man that entrances me….and blue eyes for that matter. Verbal, linguistic, men, those who know how to speak, colloquially, and precisely… And most of all, those who are as intense as I…
Notes on the one that got away…
So kids, I’m going on a social media blackout for a few days.
Need to breathe. Need to find Amber again…
I’ll be back before Christmas… And hopefully with a script, and a few actors to make what’s in my head a reality.
Food first… emotion later… mebbe…
So tonight, armed with the knowledge that I really needed red meat, and after checking out the Minus the Boombah blog by the divine and gorgeous comedienne/writer/actress/mother/etc etc etc Mrs Jane Kennedy, I decided on Eye Fillet…
I took part of Jane’s fast and fancy steak and added what I would call a LOT of boombah… In my defence, I have an incredibly high metabolism (and yes, I realise I’m screwed when it stops), and I’ve been feeling deflated, so red meat and carbs (potatoe two ways (bolied and fried), garlic mushrooms, and balsamic asparagus)… mmmmm
The steak was a little over done, but I’m still learning to perfect the medium-rare thing…
See the pics below….
Yes, I’m quoting Grosse Pointe Blank…
My answer? Neither…
I’ve been mused by one Miss Courteney Hocking and her article on The Age website today…
Actually I’ve been mused by her, and quite a few other people who seem to be weighing in on the debate into women’s sexuality of late, and I’m finding that people are forgetting one really important thing… What about the good guys?
If there is something I’ve learnt in the last 6 months, it’s that while a large proportion of the male population are and can be misogynistic idiots, that we have completely over looked the other amazing part of the male population. Who might also like sex, but bless them, aren’t willing to be chauvinist pigs to get it.
They would never put you in a position that you would be uncomfortable with, they would never do anything to purposely hurt you, and most of all, know what the word no means.
To these men I say Thank You. For making us feel safe, protected, and helping us realise we can be in control of our own sexual desires and destiny. Thank you for understanding what the word no means. Thank you for not making us feel like objects for your desires, but as human beings with our own. Thank you for not making us feel like whores, because *shock horror* we like (and in some cases LOVE) sex. Thank you for making us not feel dirty because we like to get our rocks off and have healthy sex lives without fuss. Most of all, Thank you for giving us the chance to open up and explore parts of our egos we are not usually in tune with.