The psychobabbling food-loving seamstress.

This is my truth, tell me yours….?

Posted in general musings, psychology by Ambs on March 29, 2009

I’ve been thinking about my pre-teens a lot lately.

The period from about grade 4 to year 7, and all the change those years entailed.  I know I changed tremendously after that, my teenage years were fraught with constant changes to try and fit in. Yet I think in my pre-teens I was the closest I ever was to my pure self.

In my pre-teens I developed a strong group of friends who never really defined me, but were there if I needed them. I do remember though, I used to walk away and do my own thing, be by myself a lot. I loved hanging out in the school library(something I would also come to love during the latter part of year 7, and part of year 8, until I discovered the cute boy in the year above me! Although winter chess was awesome.), I would go for walks out along the oval, through the middle of the school, I would just walk and think. I was happy doing that, until I became bored, and would go back to the girls.  I think the only thing that frustrated me is when I missed out on things, and I didn’t understand if something new was going on, feeling a little on the outer, rather than inner. I’ve always loved to be in the thick of things, while also keeping a distance. Again my ego working at odds with what my brain really wants. My ego needs to be stroked, but my brain likes to keep it mysterious. As soon as it’s getting the attention it desires, my brain lets its guard down, and goes “whoomp, here have some baggage”.

I do this with my family sometimes too, there is a 9 year difference between my sister and I, an 8 year difference between my oldest brother and I, and a 4 year difference between my second oldest brother and I.  I adore my siblings, they’ve all taught me some interesting lessons, been there for me when they could, or yelled at me when I’ve needed a good yelling at.  Ever since I was knee high, I’ve always wanted to be doing what they were doing, kinda like my version of keeping up with the Joneses.  The night in 1988 when Haley’s Comet passed through the earths atmosphere, we had a whole heap of family friends at our house, I wanted to play monopoly with everyone, but as I was 5/6 years old, I was deemed to young and that I wouldn’t understand. I got frustrated and cried I think, I still do it when we have dis-agreements.  Ever since then, I have always tried to keep up with them, so inbetween grade 4 and year 7, there were some defining moments that I honestly have come around full circle and explain who I am today.  When I was in grade 5 and 6 I somehow convinced my family to let me stay up and watch The Late Show with them, and Red Dwarf, or The Young Ones, depended on what they were playing at the time. I think this was one of my first official forays into a love of pop-culture, and also an interesting way of dealing with what was going on in the world at the time, as I was waking up to “smell the roses” so to speak.  I think I identified most with the random melbourne pop-culture references. International pop-culture refs really, and their sketches were simple, anyone could understand what they were trying to convey.  I laughed a lot, and at the same things my family were, t’was easy to relate, and I understood what they were talking about.

Reading over this has already made me see I’ve spent far too much time in my life trying to impress people.  As opposed to making myself happy. As I’ve always been very scared of the negative consequenses that may end up being part of my existence.  When every time I’ve fallen and people have asked why I give up so easily, my answer has always been that I didn’t like it, that it wasn’t me.  It may seem like a weak answer, but it is the truth.

I’ve spent years telling myself that I was being true to myself, when I haven’t been.  I’ve only ever listened to what I wanted a few times in my life, one was when I fell in love with TLE and music, there were some “got to be cool” moments there, but that was mostly me, comedy is also one of thsoe moments(I don’t go to shows to be cool, I’m there because I want to see someone usually), and with psych, as it provides so many explanations to me about life.

So in the words of Manic Street Preachers; This is my tuth, tell me yours?

Towards the end of this year I’m going overseas, and early next year I will move to my own place and start uni.

Overseas trip: Estonia -> Latvia -> Lithuania ->Europe(Paris, Rome, Florence, Venice, etc etc etc) -> Scotland -> England -> New York City -> Boston -> Washington DC -> New Orleans -> Nashville -> Memphis -> Texas -> Las Vegas -> San Francisco -> LA -> Hawaii -> Home…

Uni will be a Bach of Science majoring in Psychology.

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