The psychobabbling food-loving seamstress.

Act your age…

Posted in comedy, general musings, relationships, writing by Ambs on May 3, 2009

It’s the phrase I keep hearing time and time again.

You couldn’t believe how frustrating it is to hear those words, but then again, they have promted me to re-evaluate.
Actually look at the way I’ve been dealing with stressors in my life, look at the way I deal with those closest to me not understanding why I am like I am.

The answers are slowly coming together.
It’s taken a long time to look at the rejections in my life, and not think that they were a set back, but a learning experience.
I was incredibly jealous of people who could skate better than I did, and for some bizarre reason I equated the love of my parents to how good a skater I was. Which I know deep down is crap. My parents loved and still do love me, they just want the best for me.
Same with my sister and brothers.
I’m learning to form my own opinions and beliefs. I think I’m really scared I’ll never find a way to function through the Depression and Anxiety.
I am getting there, it’s hard when people are so confused, and even harder when all I try to do is appease everyone else in the room, rather than appeasing myself.

Appeasing myself is really hard, as it means I have to make decisions that could lead to more rejections. I’ve spent the last 10 years avoiding rejection, not believing that anyone else knew what it was like(yet I listen to heart broken country-alt-pop, and connect? Hmmm).  I had myself convinced that I was the only one that hurt. Which again is bizarre, as I’ve counseled friends back together, and also out of ruts.  Sometimes I’ve gotten pissed off, as after counseling them, which I shouldn’t have done, it has left me so emotionally crippled, that I can’t function myself(then that has repocussions on people who see whats happens when I become self-destructive).  There’s so many people out there that need help and I find them all the time.  But I can’t help them anymore, I need to focus on me(actually edit, I can help them, but if we’re close I can’t, you need go get real help, as I’m not a psych just yet, and even then I’d be sending you to someone else, as we’re too close. ).  Forging forward, looking back every once in awhile, but not getting stuck in dream world(Kenny Koala was awesome though!).

Getting stuck into my writing however is allowed.  Vyv is the person I aspire to be, Violet was me for years, and I’m standing at that junction that will take me to Vyv, and I’m doing what needs to be done to become her.  She’s the hard one to write, but I’m getting there. Violet’s ditzy innocence I know like the back of my hand, as I’ve lived it, now I’m traversing into Vyv territory, which is scary, but I can do it.

This whole belief in myself thing is really bizarre, its an interesting road, and at the same time an incredibly hard road.  How does someone whose based all of her life and a lot of her decisions on what other people would think, change?  Its hard to go; you know what, I don’t give a shit what those who mean the most to me think, THIS is me. Its really hard to train my brain to not care what people think when I slightly sing off key, that the one bung note does not make me a bad singer, it just means I went off tune.  That the way I veiw the world, is not incorrect, its just the way I see it from down here(and I mean that hight wise, not feeling wise).  That one shit stand-up gig means I should keep going forward and not give up, ’cause we’ve all had shit gigs.  Also that even though I was really freakin nervous the first two times on stage, that the nerves will always be there, but they will not navigate my show, I’ll do that.

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