The psychobabbling food-loving seamstress.

Thinking, actually thinking….

Posted in general musings, psychology, relationships by Ambs on August 16, 2009

While I should be getting my write on. I’m sitting here thinking about the events of the past month.

I’m sick of having crushes on men I would never ever have a chance with. There I said it, I’m sick of being a crazy person around men I look upto(metaphorically as well as physically! hah!). Half my brain is thinking idiotic thoughts, while the other half is telling me to get a grip!
It’s like that with most things for me, which means while I should be “staying in the moment”, I’m stuck inside my head again. Then as the wrong thing comes out of my mouth, my brain goes NOOOO, then I beat myself up for awhile, depression sets in, and the cycle starts again.

Picking myself up in the middle of cycles is never fun. Reminding myself that I’m human and making mistakes is all a part of life, and that I’ll never be perfect. I get frustrated I think, because in my head all I can see is that people must percieve me as this manic woman, who has no idea who she is. When I’m actually the complete opposite.
I know who I am, and for the first time in my life, I know where I want to go. The fear of not being with someone is non-existant. I’m more scared of not making the most of what I’ve been given, I’m scared of not excelling now. I’m afraid of not doing what I want, not becoming who I want to become. I’m afraid of not getting into Arts / Psych, I’m afraid I’ll lose all of my mojo for psych, study, and self improvement, and live the non-existenial life I’ve been living the last 10 years. I’m ready to walk past the anxiety threshold, hit the top of the rollercoaster freak out a little, then realise I’m going to be fine, and wait for the downward slope towards less anxiety.

Depression is a lot like a rollercoaster, you get stuck on a never ending loop of ups and downs. Ups being those moments inside your head when you can do/say anything. To 5 minutes later, when that flash of genius comes out, and doesn’t exactly go the way you wanted, and all you want to do is go back to your bed, and hide under the covers.
Or the anxiety bell curve, where you sit precariously on the fence of excitement/anxiety, not completely sure which way it wil lgo, as soon as the anxiety ramps up, you either fight it, and hit a really high curve, or you don’t, you sit with it, you try not to let it effect you, you know why it’s there. It hits a mildly high point, and then it disappates, and you can function again.
The slightest thing can set you off, and annoyingly enough, its never the people that you care the most about that set you off, its the people that you care least about. It’s those people who you know you shouldn’t give the time of day. It’s those people who don’t deserve your time.

The other terrible part of anxiety, is that the negative thought can hit at any time, and they are usually triggered by the slightest event, or again the person you would rather not see. The other night for example, the smallest snigger in my direction, and it all hit me. It took me a good half hour to a) stop my blood from boiling, b) calm down, and c) remind myself that this person means so little to me, and that the reason they were acting as they were is because they have thier own problems, which are not mine to deal with!
Safe to say, as you can see I’m still angry, mostly beacuse I don’t deserve to be looked down upon by anyone. Although I do live in the smug comfort that I know more than she does, I’m older, I’ve learnt more, and I understand that it’s all a delicate balance. Although I’ve not been great in keeping that balance, I’ll admit that, I’ve screwed up a lot of things. I’d like to believe that I’ve learnt my lesson. When at times I know I haven’t, there’s certain mistakes I make time and again, I’m trying to stop doing that now. Trying being the operative word.
The delicate balance starts with me, in my head, being able to gauge when I’ve gone too far into my head in a situation, or if I’m being mindful of whats going on at that exact point in time. As happened the other night (it’s be the best way for me to explain the feeling, and how I got out of it), I was filled with anger, I didn’t think I deserved the reception I got. I stood there brewing, then at one moment I remembered why that person was acting like that. They have their own pre-conceptions about me, and whether they’re true or not is not something I can change. The only thing that I can change is me, and how I react to that situation, so I had to not care. I did it, and forgot the person was in the room or existed. That might sound completely callous, but it was the only way to deal with the situation at the time. Act like they’re a stranger, like they do not exist. It worked, I got lost in the amazingness of what was going on onstage, I danced I sung, I giggled like no one was watching. That whole free spirit thing.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, I can’t help it, I can’t hide how I feel, or I feel like I’m going to burst! I’m no longer asking permission to be excited about my passion, I’ll just be excited, and yes, you’ll have to put up with it! I’ll dance like no ones watching, or like I just don’t care.

One other thing. I just want to say thank you to the connectors in my life, you are some of the people who keep me going, your inspirational, amazing people who make me smile. Thank you so much, I hope you know who you are, because you’re incredibly special to me, and you help me break this cycle a little at a time. 🙂

Oh and… Goodbye Yellowbrick Road…

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