The psychobabbling food-loving seamstress.

A Complex Contradiction in terms…

Posted in crush, general musings, love, psychology, relationships, sex, writing by Ambs on January 1, 2011

“If she were only ordinary” – L.B.B Jeffries

This line from Rear Window bugs me oh so much.  It’s bought up the whore/madonna thing in my head again…

In Freudian psychoanalysis, this complex apparently only exists in men who have been bought up by cold/distant mothers.  This means the women they are in real relationships they love, but have problems being intimate with said person.  They feel comfortable being sexual with girls they see as “dirty”, and will not allow for loving feelings in these relationships.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot over the past year, and I know I contribute to the way men treat me, the way I talk to some of them, etc… As soon as intellectual conversation comes to the table some/most men switch off (the last one didn’t, and maybe that freaked me out a little too.  That and the rule of “intellectual conversation after sex”, but that put me in a tight spot too, as it put pressure on when I decided I was comfortable enough to sleep with him.  So really I couldn’t win! …and I wouldn’t conclude him as being an arse for doing that, obviously he was just try to speed up the process. I’m just too smart to let it get in the way of what I wanted.).  Then in relative terms any men I’ve been intellectually involved with get all weirded out as soon as any intimacy becomes involved.  Can’t win, I am either The Madonna or The Whore.

Could someone please tell me if men AT ALL have the capability to see a woman as a person who they can have amazing conversations with, and also have great sex with too?  I do know of one example, Geoffrey Robertson and Kathy Lette, there’s a couple I could imagine have a healthy intellectual and sexual relationship.
Then again, I can’t talk, I’ve only seen that in one man in my whole life… Oh wait maybe two or three, but I don’t count anyone I liked before the age of 25.

This has also bought up one of my other favourite parts of a movie:
Harry: He wants her to leave. That’s why he puts her on the plane.
Sally: I don’t think she wants to stay.
Harry: Of course she wants to stay. Wouldn’t you rather be with Humphrey Bogart than the other guy?
Sally: I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in Casablanca married to a man who runs a bar. That probably sounds very snobbish to you, but I don’t.
Harry: You’d rather be in a passionless marriage –
Sally: – and be the First Lady of Czechoslovakia –
Harry: – than live with the man… you’ve had the greatest sex of your life with, just because he owns a bar and that is all he does.
Sally: Yes, and so would any woman in her right mind. Women are very practical. Even Ingrid Bergman, which is why she gets on the plane at the end of the movie.

This is the other thing, boys talk about passion all the time, about how much they want it, but then they go off with the safe girls!? WTF? I don’t get it.
They talk of wanting strong independent women, then they shack up with chicks who suffocate their lives, while the rest of us live life in the single zone… *cue music* dodedodo dodedodo

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New Years Resolutions…

Posted in general musings by Ambs on December 31, 2010

This is the first real year I’ve had any NYE resolutions…
I’ve said I wanted to do things, but never gone through with them because of self doubt, that’s going to be my first big AMBER SMASH for this year.

My first resolution is that I will transcend all doubts about who I am, I will accept who I am, and I will go forward with those things I’ve been wanting to do for the last 10 years but held back.
I resolve to be in New York for New Years 2011/2012.
I resolve to get the rights to translate Vladimir Nabokov’s “Invitation to a Beheading” into a play, and also resolve to put said play on.  It is the most amazing story of isolation, doubt, depression, anxiety, and the transcendence through to acceptance.  It’s a thing of beauty.
I resolve to get up on stage and have confidence, and hopefully make people laugh.  Even if I don’t make them laugh, I resolve to find my comfortable spot on stage.
I resolve to treat my family and friends better, even when they are driving me bonkers.
I resolve to leave the boy alone, as it’s just driving him further away when I want him closer.
I resolve to move back to the inner-city this year.
I resolve to work in something other than just Admin, I want a change.
I resolve to have some of my writing published somewhere other than this blog.
I resolve to get the hypothetical bandwagon running again, I want this on stage ASAP.
I resolve to put on my solo show at fringe.
I resolve to make major in-roads into my study, as I’m not going to become an international lawyer by sitting on my arse. 🙂

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The Misconstruction of Amber G…

Posted in general musings, psychology, relationships, sex, writing by Ambs on December 31, 2010

The last ten years of my life have been the steepest learning curve I have ever ridden.

The last year the steepest of the lot.  I feel like I’ve been trudging up the steepest hill while dragging a big block of lead behind me.  It’s been a long and hard road.  I’ve learnt some of the most tremendous things about myself over the last year though, and its led to some amazing New Years Resolutions (read the next blog to see them).

I love my family tremendously, they mean the world to me, even if they do drive me a little batty at times.  I’m so sick of hurting them, but I also have to come to terms with the fact that they are not always going to love the decisions I make.
My family ARE my press, they are the ones in my ears asking all the questions when I decide I want to do something.  I used to get really frustrated, because I couldn’t answer their questions, which led to doubt, which inevitably lead to me not following through with ANYTHING I’ve ever wanted to, because I’ve been too scared.  Learning to transcend the anxiety, sit with it, and traverse to the next level is what I’ll be working on throughout the year, oh, and answer their questions, and not get angry when they bug me. Oh and to pick up on sarcasm, cause I’ve been in too dark a headspace to get it sometimes.

My friends, ahh my beautiful friends. They’ve comforted me when I’ve needed it.  Thank you for being there when I have to yell, cry, and most importantly laugh.  I really appreciate you guys being there for me.  It’s been a long and arduous year, and next year will be much saner for all of us I think!

The men who have traversed through my life in the last year.
The EUM at the start of the year. You were an eye opener. Apparently I am pretty, thanks, you helped with my ego, then crushed it into a million tiny pieces when you told me I needed self-respect.  Which is partially true, but you also sir need to respect the people you are in any kind of relationship with.  Just because your shagging someone does not mean they do not deserve your respect.  You sir are not a very nice human being.  Oh and as a side, you need to practise what you preach, you did some of the exact same things you told me I shouldn’t be doing.
The latest schwing fling, you made me realise that I’m actually pretty enough to get them men I want.  Which is not something I thought possible.  But baggage from the aforementioned idiot (and needing an escape from the whirlwind of hell going on around me) meant I did stupid things and scared you away.  I live with no regrets, but I have learnt my lesson, and if there is anything I’m really good at its change.  I see exactly what I did wrong, and I suppose if you never come back, I’ll at least not make the same mistakes again.  I miss you though…

Work… God I’ve screwed up a few things, but again, with perspective and a verve for change on 2011, I will be a new woman.

Here’s to new beginnings lovely people.

Lots of love and the happiest of New Years cheer.

Amber G

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From a girl just trying to find her funny bone…

Posted in comedy, general musings, giggles, writing by Ambs on December 28, 2010

So with this free time I’ve got… I’m writing like a mad woman, sewing, and creating new and improved recipes…

The writing side of me has made me think of where my love for comedy started.  As I know it wasn’t 4 years ago, Tripod were the stepping stone to live comedy, which I’d never really gotten into… I knew I enjoyed live comedy, but I’d never had the inkling to go, as I was so enthralled by the amazingness of muso’s.

I put the first foray’s into said love to when I was about 6 or 7, my brother got two copied cassette tapes from his friend.  The first had The Satanic Sketches by the D-Generation (it took me awhile to convince them to let me listen to it, I’m pretty sure my brother Corey and I snuck away with it at one stage), and the other one had Bill Cosby stand-up on side A (which is pretty family friendly), and on side B there was this reformed American Evangelical Priest called Mike Warnkie.
Looking back it seems that I have literally grown up the D-Gen in mant different forms, The Late Show, Comedy Company, Fast Forward, The Panel, Thank God You’re Here, and various other Working Dog Productions.  We all know these guys are my heroes, they have been for years, and I don’t think I would have loved sketch comedy as much had it not been for them.
The Bill Cosby stand-up is pretty stock standard comedy, jokes about his wife and family, my one stand out is a bit he does about not knowing what to give his kids for breakfast (because you know, woman are the only ones in this world who know how to cook *rolls eyes*), so he gives them chocolate cake that he’s found from the night before.  The kids decide that dad is great because of the chocolate cake and make up the song: “Daddy’s great, he gave us chocolate cake for breakfast”. So you know, now it doesn’t seem all that funny now, but to a 7 or 8 year old, that was HILARIOUS!
The last of the three is a little darker, I think my brother’s friend added this as his family were a little bit god fearing, most of Mike’s stories are about the Vietnam War, and his time in the Marine Corp.  One of the quotes my family still quote being “I spent three and a half years in the MARINE CORP”.  There is also the story that always reminds me of the teacher in “Dazed and Confused” which is when their Sargent is giving the “pep talk”.  It usually goes something like: “Boys, as my Sargent once said to me, you’ll all go in, and only half of you will come back”…

These days, my love for comedy exceeds what I ever would have thought it could or ever would have.

My indefinite heroes are two fine and amazing Comediennes: Gilda Radner (RIP beautiful girl) and Amy Sedaris (I can’t wait to meet Amy, she is AMAZING!)…

Please allow me to indulge you and myself with a few you of my Favourite Gilda and Amy moments…

Gilda Radner as Baba Wawa

Gilda Radner “Lets Talk Dirty to the Animals”

Gilda Radner “Honey Touch Me”

Amy Sedaris on “Watch What Happens L!ve”

Amy Sedaris giving us a tour of her part o the neighborhood: Greenwich Village

Amy Sedaris on “Strangers with Candy”

Amy Sedaris on “Exit 57”

Love or hate them, these ladies are Geeniouses!

…and as an aside, 2011 is going to be one hell of an amazing year in Australian TV (Offspring, The Librarians, and Laid to name a few) and film (25, I’m kinda excited about this one!), so PLEASE make sure you go out and support it, and local comedy for that matter…

The Groupie Phenomenon (and other things that shit me)…

Posted in crush, general musings, giggles, music, relationships, sex by Ambs on December 8, 2010

After reading Tony Martins latest blog, and the things that have been going on in my life over the last few weeks, I’ve been thinking about the groupie phenomenon again…
Why would a gal be with the most butt ugly guy ever? I asked myself that question everytime I would see the little weedy guy who was once in “Taxiride”(yeah remember them?), drag yet another girl into the toilet at a gig…

I’m genuinely a very shy person, it takes me a lot to trust… So I get frustrated at what I see as my cowardice, and drink to overcome it and the inevitable hi-jinx ensue…

This on plenty of occasions has caused me to be misconstrued, seen as a slut, or a groupie… I’m not down with any of it, especially after I’d heard somone saying I was only friends with a few of my friends to get closer to a band I loved… To that I still say fuck you, as I do things at my own pace, and if it takes time for people to see the real me, at least I know they are worth it. They stuck it out, and now they get me. In regards to the bands, actors and comedians, again, I’ll talk to them when we have something to talk about… Not just cause I want to get in their faces and say hi… Not my style…

I don’t sleep with people because of their status, or who they know. I’m
Extremely picky with the boys I like, I like brains over anything else.
There’s something about a smart man that entrances me….and blue eyes for that matter. Verbal, linguistic, men, those who know how to speak, colloquially, and precisely… And most of all, those who are as intense as I…

Notes on the one that got away…

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Who’s afraid of International Law?

Posted in general musings, Law, writing by Ambs on June 18, 2010

I was talking to a colleague in regards to the first in the series of Wednesday lectures at ACU I went to entitled “Who’s afraid of International Law?” by Professor Gerry Simpson, she asked if it gave me hope?

I had to think for a moment, as I had been so frustrated and all out of hope in regards to international law in the last few months, I had walked out of the lecture feeling a little lighter, but not hopeful for international law as a set of rules that so many people rely on, yet are so malleable and pliable in so many ways (yet I suppose law in general can be looked at in that way).
In answer to the question, I found the lecture to be one of the most realistic and thought provoking on the topic.

I knew I should have taken notes, as most of what was said has washed and mashed together.
I think I’m still processing a lot of what was said, the fact that a lecture that could be concluded as being realistic in regards to whats currently going on (and past events for that matter), as opposed to extremely opinionated, which has fueled my frustrations on the topic in recent months.

It is safe to say that I am well and truely sick of hearing and reading individualistic rhetoric and big bold statements which serve us to no end.  “State A should be prosecuted for crimes agaist humanity….blah blah blah.”

Such bold statements are usually made by people who are experts in the given field, but instead of making the situation realistic, it only seems to serve egotistical (or monetary in some instances)  interests.
Sadly enough I have been finding myself constantly dismayed by people I would describe as heroes growing up of late.

Anyways back to the lecture…
I have sat in on a couple of Professor Simpson’s Public Lectures in the past, but they have not purely been lectures, they have been in-conversations (with Gideon Boas and Philip Alston), or him presenting lecturers for the APCML, so I’ve never seen him talk for anymore than about 15 minutes.

This was a treat for me.  I bought one of Gerry’s book a few months ago, but still have not had the chance to read it yet.
I really enjoyed the way that he broke it up into sections, the hopeful side (which he referred to a the Geoffrey Robertson section), the side which is realistic about the limitations of international law in certain conflicts and also the side which is open ended, and what can sometimes be achieved when international law is able to be instituted on the basis and rules that have been created.

All in all it has set the mood and tone for what looks to be an excellent series of lectures over the next 6 weeks.

I’m especially looking forward to both Tim McCormack and Raimond Gaita’s lectures in the coming weeks.

Posted in crush, general musings, love, relationships, writing by Ambs on June 15, 2010

I hate this stupid sick feeling, it’s sticking to every part of me at the moment. It’s like this dread, I just can’t shake it, really starting to weigh me down, I really don’t want to feel like this anymore. I need to allow my own emancipation…

Time to find myself again, I lose sight of myself far too often.
Actually that’s not true, I’m still me, just at times I’m 50x magnified, which can be scary.
Just want this horrible, sickly, heartbroken feeling to just go the hell away.

I should not need a stupid man to feel like that. I should feel great in myself.
Time to pep up again.

What a load of bollocks, getting this twisted over someone who should mean so little to me, as I mean so little to him…

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After the deluge…

Posted in comedy, general musings, giggles, love by Ambs on September 14, 2009

My head still brims with idea’s, for solo shows, for impro fun, and just to challenge the norm.  Not to be subversive, not to challenge by pushing the wrong boundaries, but to push things differently.  I don’t want to upset, anger, or ridicule, I want to challenge perspectives.

So many people are out to make this big bang by being controversial.  What’s more controversial  than changing perspective though?  By giving people a look into a head space that they wouldn’t usually see (maybe even help to get some perspective in their own head space).

But I’m feeling kind of blank, and relived that I’ve given myself a break, and admitted that I couldn’t do it.
I’ve postponed my baby, so I can make it bigger and better than before.  More players, bigger story lines, and more room to move physically and mentally.  I want to keep the audience involved while keeping them at arms length, so they won’t know what is going to happen next.  For them to be salivating at every twist and turn.  It’s all about them.  I’ve spent too many gigs thinking about dozing off in boredom, to watch someone on stage mindlessly wank on about themselves, and not realise that the reason we are there, is because we WANT you to take us on a journey.  PLEASE take us with you, don’t leave us wondering why we gave up a night in our nice warm home, watching TV or movies we know we will get enjoyment out of.

I want you to feel electricity as soon as you walk into the room, to know you’re being taken somewhere else, for your stomach to do flips in excitement.  I want even the hardest of critics to soften ever so slightly at the sight (the feel, even the smell), to realise that we’re not there to bang on about nothing in particular, we’re here to serve you.  To connect and disconnect at will, so you’re longing to connect again, to help with the next turn in events, then for you to sit precariously onthe edge of you’re seat while we weave the story a little more, and to leave you with more questions than you came with….

…and waking up from a 3 week daze…

Posted in comedy, food, general musings, giggles, love, music, writing by Ambs on September 6, 2009

…what a mental 3 weeks.

I’ve had a fantastic 3 weeks, Tripod 8 times in 3 weeks (why? You ask. You tell me and we’ll both know, because I’m not really sure), seeing Justin Hamilton doing the coda to his 3 Colours Hammo Trilogy, meeting Tony Martin(making an arse of myself), and seeing Children Collide, I’d say its been the most amazing 3 weeks.
I’ve spent more time in Fitzroy than I have in a long time, I miss it as soon as I cross Alexandra Parade into Clifton Hill. I can’t explain my love for this little web of existence in the North of Melbourne.
I walked down Bell street the other week, after one of my many nights at Trades Hall, and ached at the thought that I wasn’t walking into one of those houses to go home. I hate leaving the place, I feel at peace while I’m there.
It’s one of the only places on this planet that I feel so calm in. Even when there’s people there I hate, and I don’t think deserve to live within its warm loving arms. Do they know why this place is so special? Do they understand that it’s not the “cool” factor of Fitzroy, it’s not being seen in the right places(I’m going to be crucified, I’ve tried to love Mario’s, but I can’t, I’d rather be in the Marqis of Lorne. Maybe someone can recommend something nice from Mario’s for me to try? I might change my mind.), it’s just home, the smells, the sights, the sounds… I’ve never felt more at home than I do there. There’s nothing I’d change about the place, even though it’s changed so very much over the years.

I can’t wait to move into my own place there. Hoping that by some kind of miraculous miracle that I find somewhere I can affrord without living below the poverty line! There’s nothing like walking the streets of Fitzroy as the sun is setting or rising. There’s nothing like a beautiful Fitzroy afternoon, wandering down Brunswick Street the warmth of the sun warming my tired winter bones. Great food, great friends, the sounds of good music coming from houses, the sounds of people having parties/BBQ’s/Dinner Parties, and just happiness in general.

I should blog more often I know…

Posted in comedy, fashion, general musings, giggles, music by Ambs on August 19, 2009

Yeah, yeah I should blog more often.

I had something to blog about the other day, but I’ve completely forgotten what it was about.

May have been Myanmar, my shows, wanting to rip off Zimmerman & Sass & Bide, my dislike of Alannah Hill’s design (no form, no feed, and clashing together as many different textures and colours as you can into one outfit doesn’t make you cutting edge.), the tremendous help I’ve had from lecturers at my work on my show, the fact that things are pretty good.
I always wonder when things are going to go to shit in periods like this. “When will the world slap me upside the head?” I ponder…

I got my reading mojo back, it started with Harry Potter, then a little Shakespeare, now P&P, One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s nest, and Breakfast at Tiff’s. It’s nice to have it back, as I think next year I’ll have my head back in the books.

The show is really starting to write itself, which is such a fantastic feeling, its flowing, and these scripts are blowing me away.
While they’re all running on the same premise, the strength of every show always lies in a different area, which is what I wanted. They had to be strong in different parts, I want people to come to at least one or two of the weeks wondering how we’ll challenge the improvisors, and also not knowing what to expect.

I’m going to go back to my original solo-show idea, I made the newer version of the show too complicated for the moment.

Things at the moment are going well, which is nice. Doesn’t take much for my nerves to kick in though.

Oh and work is busy, and even days like today, when I kept getting errors when running reports, I still enjoy it. I really like my job, and really love what I do. I also really believe in the course, partially because I want to do it, and combine it with an LLM at NYU.
Bah, have to get through Arts/Psych first!

Just feels like everythings going really well, and it was me that made it go well. My life turned around, not miraculously, not because someone took pity on me, but because I worked to turn it around.