The psychobabbling food-loving seamstress.

A Complex Contradiction in terms…

Posted in crush, general musings, love, psychology, relationships, sex, writing by Ambs on January 1, 2011

“If she were only ordinary” – L.B.B Jeffries

This line from Rear Window bugs me oh so much.  It’s bought up the whore/madonna thing in my head again…

In Freudian psychoanalysis, this complex apparently only exists in men who have been bought up by cold/distant mothers.  This means the women they are in real relationships they love, but have problems being intimate with said person.  They feel comfortable being sexual with girls they see as “dirty”, and will not allow for loving feelings in these relationships.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot over the past year, and I know I contribute to the way men treat me, the way I talk to some of them, etc… As soon as intellectual conversation comes to the table some/most men switch off (the last one didn’t, and maybe that freaked me out a little too.  That and the rule of “intellectual conversation after sex”, but that put me in a tight spot too, as it put pressure on when I decided I was comfortable enough to sleep with him.  So really I couldn’t win! …and I wouldn’t conclude him as being an arse for doing that, obviously he was just try to speed up the process. I’m just too smart to let it get in the way of what I wanted.).  Then in relative terms any men I’ve been intellectually involved with get all weirded out as soon as any intimacy becomes involved.  Can’t win, I am either The Madonna or The Whore.

Could someone please tell me if men AT ALL have the capability to see a woman as a person who they can have amazing conversations with, and also have great sex with too?  I do know of one example, Geoffrey Robertson and Kathy Lette, there’s a couple I could imagine have a healthy intellectual and sexual relationship.
Then again, I can’t talk, I’ve only seen that in one man in my whole life… Oh wait maybe two or three, but I don’t count anyone I liked before the age of 25.

This has also bought up one of my other favourite parts of a movie:
Harry: He wants her to leave. That’s why he puts her on the plane.
Sally: I don’t think she wants to stay.
Harry: Of course she wants to stay. Wouldn’t you rather be with Humphrey Bogart than the other guy?
Sally: I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in Casablanca married to a man who runs a bar. That probably sounds very snobbish to you, but I don’t.
Harry: You’d rather be in a passionless marriage –
Sally: – and be the First Lady of Czechoslovakia –
Harry: – than live with the man… you’ve had the greatest sex of your life with, just because he owns a bar and that is all he does.
Sally: Yes, and so would any woman in her right mind. Women are very practical. Even Ingrid Bergman, which is why she gets on the plane at the end of the movie.

This is the other thing, boys talk about passion all the time, about how much they want it, but then they go off with the safe girls!? WTF? I don’t get it.
They talk of wanting strong independent women, then they shack up with chicks who suffocate their lives, while the rest of us live life in the single zone… *cue music* dodedodo dodedodo

The Misconstruction of Amber G…

Posted in general musings, psychology, relationships, sex, writing by Ambs on December 31, 2010

The last ten years of my life have been the steepest learning curve I have ever ridden.

The last year the steepest of the lot.  I feel like I’ve been trudging up the steepest hill while dragging a big block of lead behind me.  It’s been a long and hard road.  I’ve learnt some of the most tremendous things about myself over the last year though, and its led to some amazing New Years Resolutions (read the next blog to see them).

I love my family tremendously, they mean the world to me, even if they do drive me a little batty at times.  I’m so sick of hurting them, but I also have to come to terms with the fact that they are not always going to love the decisions I make.
My family ARE my press, they are the ones in my ears asking all the questions when I decide I want to do something.  I used to get really frustrated, because I couldn’t answer their questions, which led to doubt, which inevitably lead to me not following through with ANYTHING I’ve ever wanted to, because I’ve been too scared.  Learning to transcend the anxiety, sit with it, and traverse to the next level is what I’ll be working on throughout the year, oh, and answer their questions, and not get angry when they bug me. Oh and to pick up on sarcasm, cause I’ve been in too dark a headspace to get it sometimes.

My friends, ahh my beautiful friends. They’ve comforted me when I’ve needed it.  Thank you for being there when I have to yell, cry, and most importantly laugh.  I really appreciate you guys being there for me.  It’s been a long and arduous year, and next year will be much saner for all of us I think!

The men who have traversed through my life in the last year.
The EUM at the start of the year. You were an eye opener. Apparently I am pretty, thanks, you helped with my ego, then crushed it into a million tiny pieces when you told me I needed self-respect.  Which is partially true, but you also sir need to respect the people you are in any kind of relationship with.  Just because your shagging someone does not mean they do not deserve your respect.  You sir are not a very nice human being.  Oh and as a side, you need to practise what you preach, you did some of the exact same things you told me I shouldn’t be doing.
The latest schwing fling, you made me realise that I’m actually pretty enough to get them men I want.  Which is not something I thought possible.  But baggage from the aforementioned idiot (and needing an escape from the whirlwind of hell going on around me) meant I did stupid things and scared you away.  I live with no regrets, but I have learnt my lesson, and if there is anything I’m really good at its change.  I see exactly what I did wrong, and I suppose if you never come back, I’ll at least not make the same mistakes again.  I miss you though…

Work… God I’ve screwed up a few things, but again, with perspective and a verve for change on 2011, I will be a new woman.

Here’s to new beginnings lovely people.

Lots of love and the happiest of New Years cheer.

Amber G

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Thinking, actually thinking….

Posted in general musings, psychology, relationships by Ambs on August 16, 2009

While I should be getting my write on. I’m sitting here thinking about the events of the past month.

I’m sick of having crushes on men I would never ever have a chance with. There I said it, I’m sick of being a crazy person around men I look upto(metaphorically as well as physically! hah!). Half my brain is thinking idiotic thoughts, while the other half is telling me to get a grip!
It’s like that with most things for me, which means while I should be “staying in the moment”, I’m stuck inside my head again. Then as the wrong thing comes out of my mouth, my brain goes NOOOO, then I beat myself up for awhile, depression sets in, and the cycle starts again.

Picking myself up in the middle of cycles is never fun. Reminding myself that I’m human and making mistakes is all a part of life, and that I’ll never be perfect. I get frustrated I think, because in my head all I can see is that people must percieve me as this manic woman, who has no idea who she is. When I’m actually the complete opposite.
I know who I am, and for the first time in my life, I know where I want to go. The fear of not being with someone is non-existant. I’m more scared of not making the most of what I’ve been given, I’m scared of not excelling now. I’m afraid of not doing what I want, not becoming who I want to become. I’m afraid of not getting into Arts / Psych, I’m afraid I’ll lose all of my mojo for psych, study, and self improvement, and live the non-existenial life I’ve been living the last 10 years. I’m ready to walk past the anxiety threshold, hit the top of the rollercoaster freak out a little, then realise I’m going to be fine, and wait for the downward slope towards less anxiety.

Depression is a lot like a rollercoaster, you get stuck on a never ending loop of ups and downs. Ups being those moments inside your head when you can do/say anything. To 5 minutes later, when that flash of genius comes out, and doesn’t exactly go the way you wanted, and all you want to do is go back to your bed, and hide under the covers.
Or the anxiety bell curve, where you sit precariously on the fence of excitement/anxiety, not completely sure which way it wil lgo, as soon as the anxiety ramps up, you either fight it, and hit a really high curve, or you don’t, you sit with it, you try not to let it effect you, you know why it’s there. It hits a mildly high point, and then it disappates, and you can function again.
The slightest thing can set you off, and annoyingly enough, its never the people that you care the most about that set you off, its the people that you care least about. It’s those people who you know you shouldn’t give the time of day. It’s those people who don’t deserve your time.

The other terrible part of anxiety, is that the negative thought can hit at any time, and they are usually triggered by the slightest event, or again the person you would rather not see. The other night for example, the smallest snigger in my direction, and it all hit me. It took me a good half hour to a) stop my blood from boiling, b) calm down, and c) remind myself that this person means so little to me, and that the reason they were acting as they were is because they have thier own problems, which are not mine to deal with!
Safe to say, as you can see I’m still angry, mostly beacuse I don’t deserve to be looked down upon by anyone. Although I do live in the smug comfort that I know more than she does, I’m older, I’ve learnt more, and I understand that it’s all a delicate balance. Although I’ve not been great in keeping that balance, I’ll admit that, I’ve screwed up a lot of things. I’d like to believe that I’ve learnt my lesson. When at times I know I haven’t, there’s certain mistakes I make time and again, I’m trying to stop doing that now. Trying being the operative word.
The delicate balance starts with me, in my head, being able to gauge when I’ve gone too far into my head in a situation, or if I’m being mindful of whats going on at that exact point in time. As happened the other night (it’s be the best way for me to explain the feeling, and how I got out of it), I was filled with anger, I didn’t think I deserved the reception I got. I stood there brewing, then at one moment I remembered why that person was acting like that. They have their own pre-conceptions about me, and whether they’re true or not is not something I can change. The only thing that I can change is me, and how I react to that situation, so I had to not care. I did it, and forgot the person was in the room or existed. That might sound completely callous, but it was the only way to deal with the situation at the time. Act like they’re a stranger, like they do not exist. It worked, I got lost in the amazingness of what was going on onstage, I danced I sung, I giggled like no one was watching. That whole free spirit thing.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, I can’t help it, I can’t hide how I feel, or I feel like I’m going to burst! I’m no longer asking permission to be excited about my passion, I’ll just be excited, and yes, you’ll have to put up with it! I’ll dance like no ones watching, or like I just don’t care.

One other thing. I just want to say thank you to the connectors in my life, you are some of the people who keep me going, your inspirational, amazing people who make me smile. Thank you so much, I hope you know who you are, because you’re incredibly special to me, and you help me break this cycle a little at a time. 🙂

Oh and… Goodbye Yellowbrick Road…

Self-Awareness Vs. Ego.

Posted in general musings, psychology, writing by Ambs on May 4, 2009

In my book, I hope that Self-awareness wins out.  Well I’d hope that for everyone.

I’ve been thinking about the people I’ve come across, and thought that they had MASSIVE EGO’s. When maybe its more of a self-awareness thing.  Which completely changes my view of some people.   In a positive way.
Although, I still think others feed off their own Ego, and some peoples lack-there-of self-awareness or Ego.  I sit back and wonder how, at your age, you could be so utterly unaware of your egotism?

I salute those with a healthy amount of self-awareness and ego.  As I think that ego does play a healthy role in all of our lives, as long as it is balanced.  Self-Awareness and Ego are easily confused.  Ego is the physical form of who you are, what people see, putting your best foot forward so to speak.  Self-Awareness however feeds ones ego, and in some cases an inflated ego comes from a distorted form of self-awareness.
Sometimes we’re all guilty of letting our ego’s runaway into la la land.  I don’t understand elongated periods of egocentricity though.  There’s a difference to knowing what you’re talking about, being able to talk about it with passion and confidence, and being unaware of your egocentricity.  Those who allow their opinions to be, the be all and end all on a subject, points to some kind of distortion.  As an opinion is just that, an opinion.  It does not void anyone’s thoughts, feelings or the way that you should treat them.

This is my truth, tell me yours….?

Posted in general musings, psychology by Ambs on March 29, 2009

I’ve been thinking about my pre-teens a lot lately.

The period from about grade 4 to year 7, and all the change those years entailed.  I know I changed tremendously after that, my teenage years were fraught with constant changes to try and fit in. Yet I think in my pre-teens I was the closest I ever was to my pure self.

In my pre-teens I developed a strong group of friends who never really defined me, but were there if I needed them. I do remember though, I used to walk away and do my own thing, be by myself a lot. I loved hanging out in the school library(something I would also come to love during the latter part of year 7, and part of year 8, until I discovered the cute boy in the year above me! Although winter chess was awesome.), I would go for walks out along the oval, through the middle of the school, I would just walk and think. I was happy doing that, until I became bored, and would go back to the girls.  I think the only thing that frustrated me is when I missed out on things, and I didn’t understand if something new was going on, feeling a little on the outer, rather than inner. I’ve always loved to be in the thick of things, while also keeping a distance. Again my ego working at odds with what my brain really wants. My ego needs to be stroked, but my brain likes to keep it mysterious. As soon as it’s getting the attention it desires, my brain lets its guard down, and goes “whoomp, here have some baggage”.

I do this with my family sometimes too, there is a 9 year difference between my sister and I, an 8 year difference between my oldest brother and I, and a 4 year difference between my second oldest brother and I.  I adore my siblings, they’ve all taught me some interesting lessons, been there for me when they could, or yelled at me when I’ve needed a good yelling at.  Ever since I was knee high, I’ve always wanted to be doing what they were doing, kinda like my version of keeping up with the Joneses.  The night in 1988 when Haley’s Comet passed through the earths atmosphere, we had a whole heap of family friends at our house, I wanted to play monopoly with everyone, but as I was 5/6 years old, I was deemed to young and that I wouldn’t understand. I got frustrated and cried I think, I still do it when we have dis-agreements.  Ever since then, I have always tried to keep up with them, so inbetween grade 4 and year 7, there were some defining moments that I honestly have come around full circle and explain who I am today.  When I was in grade 5 and 6 I somehow convinced my family to let me stay up and watch The Late Show with them, and Red Dwarf, or The Young Ones, depended on what they were playing at the time. I think this was one of my first official forays into a love of pop-culture, and also an interesting way of dealing with what was going on in the world at the time, as I was waking up to “smell the roses” so to speak.  I think I identified most with the random melbourne pop-culture references. International pop-culture refs really, and their sketches were simple, anyone could understand what they were trying to convey.  I laughed a lot, and at the same things my family were, t’was easy to relate, and I understood what they were talking about.

Reading over this has already made me see I’ve spent far too much time in my life trying to impress people.  As opposed to making myself happy. As I’ve always been very scared of the negative consequenses that may end up being part of my existence.  When every time I’ve fallen and people have asked why I give up so easily, my answer has always been that I didn’t like it, that it wasn’t me.  It may seem like a weak answer, but it is the truth.

I’ve spent years telling myself that I was being true to myself, when I haven’t been.  I’ve only ever listened to what I wanted a few times in my life, one was when I fell in love with TLE and music, there were some “got to be cool” moments there, but that was mostly me, comedy is also one of thsoe moments(I don’t go to shows to be cool, I’m there because I want to see someone usually), and with psych, as it provides so many explanations to me about life.

So in the words of Manic Street Preachers; This is my tuth, tell me yours?

Towards the end of this year I’m going overseas, and early next year I will move to my own place and start uni.

Overseas trip: Estonia -> Latvia -> Lithuania ->Europe(Paris, Rome, Florence, Venice, etc etc etc) -> Scotland -> England -> New York City -> Boston -> Washington DC -> New Orleans -> Nashville -> Memphis -> Texas -> Las Vegas -> San Francisco -> LA -> Hawaii -> Home…

Uni will be a Bach of Science majoring in Psychology.

Self-analysis…

Posted in general musings, psychology by Ambs on March 28, 2009

Here’s a self-analysis I posted on FB about a week ago. I read this to my psych, and she loved it. I’ve re-read it about 10 – 20 times this week.

Depression, Anxiety, and hypersensitivity to rejection…
A rather scary combination, and lethal in a social context.

The hypersensitivity to rejection explains my negativity in many social instances. When there is nothing to worry about. Those thoughts of inadequacy are not what is actually happening in the moment, but from roots I’d rather not air.
Always put on show within a veil of alcohol. Thinking it was masking, while it was just embellishing what was already there.

Anxiety lying in the roots of inadequacy.

Then the inevitable depression follows.

I love being able to look at things this way. I understand, breaking the habits that are an undeniable part of the cycle, that’s the next step.

Step 1. Breaking down the thoughts, deciphering their context and learning that they don’t and will not define me anymore. This is always going to be a hard step, because with this comes an acceptance of what I do in certain social situations, and what I have done to others. It’s a hard thing to look at, terrifying in some instances. Accepting that I actually did some REALLY stupid things, and believing that I was smart(the inability to move fluidly, and adapt to change is part of that!). A smart person would not have done some of the things I did. But learning now, rather than regretting life choices when I’m older, I’d rather that.

Step 2. Letting myself be nervous in anxiety filled situations. I will shake, I will stammer, I will say some really dumb things. Also not turning to alcohol to quell the anxiety, just sitting with it, NOT letting it rule the situation. Not letting thoughts run away with a look, touch, smile, or whatever, they are just what they are, social interactions. But then again, be open to things that are out there. Stop my one-tracked-mind(there is only a certain amount of times you can listen to the broken record, going over the same groove, time and time again, before you want to turf it), be open to the various highways on life’s road.

Step 3. Learning to deal with rejection on a day-to-day basis, and to stop avoiding it, so that when it happens, I don’t want to curl up into a little ball and hide. Learn to reassess the situation, and look at the alternatives. Learn from my mistakes. Actually be able to identify what I did, and why it was adverse to the situation. Learning to live with Shades of Grey, not everyone will like me, but it also doesn’t mean that everyone hates me.

Step 4. Living with my decisions and not blaming them on others. Not being afraid, or thinking that another persons thoughts on my beliefs and values should have any affect on how I feel about them or change them. These are my core, what I hold true in my heart and mind. They are what make me me, and make me tick in my own way. Not let the negative thoughts get in the way of these core beliefs and values. Remember them, stick to them, live them, and it will help with my contentment.

Just a side note, these may not happen in that order, but will happen over time.

There is a lot to work through, and boy is it going to be fun to write about. Might even use some of it in my stand-up one day….

A rather scary combination, and lethal in a social context.

The hypersensitivity to rejection explains my negativity in many social instances. When there is nothing to worry about. Those thoughts of inadequacy are not what is actually happening in the moment, but from roots I’d rather not air.
Always put on show within a veil of alcohol. Thinking it was masking, while it was just embellishing what was already there.

Anxiety lying in the roots of inadequacy.

Then the inevitable depression follows.

I love being able to look at things this way. I understand, breaking the habits that are an undeniable part of the cycle, that’s the next step.

Step 1. Breaking down the thoughts, deciphering their context and learning that they don’t and will not define me anymore. This is always going to be a hard step, because with this comes an acceptance of what I do in certain social situations, and what I have done to others. It’s a hard thing to look at, terrifying in some instances. Accepting that I actually did some REALLY stupid things, and believing that I was smart(the inability to move fluidly, and adapt to change is part of that!). A smart person would not have done some of the things I did. But learning now, rather than regretting life choices when I’m older, I’d rather that.

Step 2. Letting myself be nervous in anxiety filled situations. I will shake, I will stammer, I will say some really dumb things. Also not turning to alcohol to quell the anxiety, just sitting with it, NOT letting it rule the situation. Not letting thoughts run away with a look, touch, smile, or whatever, they are just what they are, social interactions. But then again, be open to things that are out there. Stop my one-tracked-mind(there is only a certain amount of times you can listen to the broken record, going over the same groove, time and time again, before you want to turf it), be open to the various highways on life’s road.

Step 3. Learning to deal with rejection on a day-to-day basis, and to stop avoiding it, so that when it happens, I don’t want to curl up into a little ball and hide. Learn to reassess the situation, and look at the alternatives. Learn from my mistakes. Actually be able to identify what I did, and why it was adverse to the situation. Learning to live with Shades of Grey, not everyone will like me, but it also doesn’t mean that everyone hates me.

Step 4. Living with my decisions and not blaming them on others. Not being afraid, or thinking that another persons thoughts on my beliefs and values should have any affect on how I feel about them or change them. These are my core, what I hold true in my heart and mind. They are what make me me, and make me tick in my own way. Not let the negative thoughts get in the way of these core beliefs and values. Remember them, stick to them, live them, and it will help with my contentment.

Just a side note, these may not happen in that order, but will happen over time.

There is a lot to work through, and boy is it going to be fun to write about. Might even use some of it in my stand-up one day….

The Psychobabbling muse – herein she starts…

Posted in comedy, food, music, nom nom, psychology by Ambs on March 28, 2009

Psych pushes me to think outside of my square, it pushes me to think in general, and I can study so many different facets of the world that intriuge and scare me, and understand them through the eye’s of the mind.

If I’m afraid of something, I seek knowledge to understand it.

I hate reading newspapers or watching the news. I hate reading headlines, and even moreso I hate reading over-sensationalised peices of faff from people who have only studied the piece of information they are reporting on for about 48 hours. Not really down with over-sensationalised reporting in general.

I find places like Twitter and Facebook amusing and interesting. I like the fact that we can recieve real up-to-date, moment by moment, from the ground reporting with this technology.

I’ve met a lot of people over time that I never thought I would learn from, but have taught me some of the most amazing things.

I love to learn about culture, I dislike reading about it, but I love to listen to people speak about their culture, how they live in it, and why they live the way they do. I love to learn, and I find talking to and learning from others is the best way to do it. I love to sit and listening to people speak, one of the reasons I enjoy comedy I suppose. I love to watch people tell stories, to be able to make fun of ridiculous situations.

If I can’t get my head around something I ask questions. I question everything. I question peoples reasoning for doing certain things, and they don’t like it, but I’ll keep on questioning. My enquiring mind does not stop.

I’m used to being ignored, but I don’t deal with it very well.
My brain works at odds with itself at times, I really want your attention, but once I get it, sometimes I don’t know what to do with it. Those negative thoughts fill my mind, and I used to listen to them, as I thought they defined who I was. Now I shall sit with them, and let them be there, but also counter-act them with the sensible side of my brain.

A few articles that will pop up over the next few days…
-Psychological revelations about who I am at this particular point in time, what is changing in my world, and how I am dealing with the changes. An on-going body of work, making me feel all Freudian, maybe it’ll help someone else someday.
– Growing up and leaning about the world, what I thought was slow, but was actually earlier than I realised. Remembering my tweens(back then we were just kids, and we still are) and how that part of my life really shaped who I am today.
– Music, music, music, and more music.
– Laws of attraction, realising why I always like the “bad boys”, and why the nice guys always get lost in the crowd.
– Comedians, why I love them, why laughter is one of the best forms of medicine, who my comedic heroes are, and why.
– Why a well written piece of prose, can be amazing on paper, but when translated to a spoken submission, all the laughs get lost.