The psychobabbling food-loving seamstress.

A Complex Contradiction in terms…

Posted in crush, general musings, love, psychology, relationships, sex, writing by Ambs on January 1, 2011

“If she were only ordinary” – L.B.B Jeffries

This line from Rear Window bugs me oh so much.  It’s bought up the whore/madonna thing in my head again…

In Freudian psychoanalysis, this complex apparently only exists in men who have been bought up by cold/distant mothers.  This means the women they are in real relationships they love, but have problems being intimate with said person.  They feel comfortable being sexual with girls they see as “dirty”, and will not allow for loving feelings in these relationships.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot over the past year, and I know I contribute to the way men treat me, the way I talk to some of them, etc… As soon as intellectual conversation comes to the table some/most men switch off (the last one didn’t, and maybe that freaked me out a little too.  That and the rule of “intellectual conversation after sex”, but that put me in a tight spot too, as it put pressure on when I decided I was comfortable enough to sleep with him.  So really I couldn’t win! …and I wouldn’t conclude him as being an arse for doing that, obviously he was just try to speed up the process. I’m just too smart to let it get in the way of what I wanted.).  Then in relative terms any men I’ve been intellectually involved with get all weirded out as soon as any intimacy becomes involved.  Can’t win, I am either The Madonna or The Whore.

Could someone please tell me if men AT ALL have the capability to see a woman as a person who they can have amazing conversations with, and also have great sex with too?  I do know of one example, Geoffrey Robertson and Kathy Lette, there’s a couple I could imagine have a healthy intellectual and sexual relationship.
Then again, I can’t talk, I’ve only seen that in one man in my whole life… Oh wait maybe two or three, but I don’t count anyone I liked before the age of 25.

This has also bought up one of my other favourite parts of a movie:
Harry: He wants her to leave. That’s why he puts her on the plane.
Sally: I don’t think she wants to stay.
Harry: Of course she wants to stay. Wouldn’t you rather be with Humphrey Bogart than the other guy?
Sally: I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in Casablanca married to a man who runs a bar. That probably sounds very snobbish to you, but I don’t.
Harry: You’d rather be in a passionless marriage –
Sally: – and be the First Lady of Czechoslovakia –
Harry: – than live with the man… you’ve had the greatest sex of your life with, just because he owns a bar and that is all he does.
Sally: Yes, and so would any woman in her right mind. Women are very practical. Even Ingrid Bergman, which is why she gets on the plane at the end of the movie.

This is the other thing, boys talk about passion all the time, about how much they want it, but then they go off with the safe girls!? WTF? I don’t get it.
They talk of wanting strong independent women, then they shack up with chicks who suffocate their lives, while the rest of us live life in the single zone… *cue music* dodedodo dodedodo

The Misconstruction of Amber G…

Posted in general musings, psychology, relationships, sex, writing by Ambs on December 31, 2010

The last ten years of my life have been the steepest learning curve I have ever ridden.

The last year the steepest of the lot.  I feel like I’ve been trudging up the steepest hill while dragging a big block of lead behind me.  It’s been a long and hard road.  I’ve learnt some of the most tremendous things about myself over the last year though, and its led to some amazing New Years Resolutions (read the next blog to see them).

I love my family tremendously, they mean the world to me, even if they do drive me a little batty at times.  I’m so sick of hurting them, but I also have to come to terms with the fact that they are not always going to love the decisions I make.
My family ARE my press, they are the ones in my ears asking all the questions when I decide I want to do something.  I used to get really frustrated, because I couldn’t answer their questions, which led to doubt, which inevitably lead to me not following through with ANYTHING I’ve ever wanted to, because I’ve been too scared.  Learning to transcend the anxiety, sit with it, and traverse to the next level is what I’ll be working on throughout the year, oh, and answer their questions, and not get angry when they bug me. Oh and to pick up on sarcasm, cause I’ve been in too dark a headspace to get it sometimes.

My friends, ahh my beautiful friends. They’ve comforted me when I’ve needed it.  Thank you for being there when I have to yell, cry, and most importantly laugh.  I really appreciate you guys being there for me.  It’s been a long and arduous year, and next year will be much saner for all of us I think!

The men who have traversed through my life in the last year.
The EUM at the start of the year. You were an eye opener. Apparently I am pretty, thanks, you helped with my ego, then crushed it into a million tiny pieces when you told me I needed self-respect.  Which is partially true, but you also sir need to respect the people you are in any kind of relationship with.  Just because your shagging someone does not mean they do not deserve your respect.  You sir are not a very nice human being.  Oh and as a side, you need to practise what you preach, you did some of the exact same things you told me I shouldn’t be doing.
The latest schwing fling, you made me realise that I’m actually pretty enough to get them men I want.  Which is not something I thought possible.  But baggage from the aforementioned idiot (and needing an escape from the whirlwind of hell going on around me) meant I did stupid things and scared you away.  I live with no regrets, but I have learnt my lesson, and if there is anything I’m really good at its change.  I see exactly what I did wrong, and I suppose if you never come back, I’ll at least not make the same mistakes again.  I miss you though…

Work… God I’ve screwed up a few things, but again, with perspective and a verve for change on 2011, I will be a new woman.

Here’s to new beginnings lovely people.

Lots of love and the happiest of New Years cheer.

Amber G

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The Groupie Phenomenon (and other things that shit me)…

Posted in crush, general musings, giggles, music, relationships, sex by Ambs on December 8, 2010

After reading Tony Martins latest blog, and the things that have been going on in my life over the last few weeks, I’ve been thinking about the groupie phenomenon again…
Why would a gal be with the most butt ugly guy ever? I asked myself that question everytime I would see the little weedy guy who was once in “Taxiride”(yeah remember them?), drag yet another girl into the toilet at a gig…

I’m genuinely a very shy person, it takes me a lot to trust… So I get frustrated at what I see as my cowardice, and drink to overcome it and the inevitable hi-jinx ensue…

This on plenty of occasions has caused me to be misconstrued, seen as a slut, or a groupie… I’m not down with any of it, especially after I’d heard somone saying I was only friends with a few of my friends to get closer to a band I loved… To that I still say fuck you, as I do things at my own pace, and if it takes time for people to see the real me, at least I know they are worth it. They stuck it out, and now they get me. In regards to the bands, actors and comedians, again, I’ll talk to them when we have something to talk about… Not just cause I want to get in their faces and say hi… Not my style…

I don’t sleep with people because of their status, or who they know. I’m
Extremely picky with the boys I like, I like brains over anything else.
There’s something about a smart man that entrances me….and blue eyes for that matter. Verbal, linguistic, men, those who know how to speak, colloquially, and precisely… And most of all, those who are as intense as I…

Notes on the one that got away…

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Where are all the good men dead? In the Heart or in the Head?

Posted in relationships, sex by Ambs on November 14, 2010

Yes, I’m quoting Grosse Pointe Blank…

My answer? Neither…

I’ve been mused by one Miss Courteney Hocking and her article on The Age website today…
Actually I’ve been mused by her, and quite a few other people who seem to be weighing in on the debate into women’s sexuality of late, and I’m finding that people are forgetting one really important thing… What about the good guys?

If there is something I’ve learnt in the last 6 months, it’s that while a large proportion of the male population are and can be misogynistic idiots, that we have completely over looked the other amazing part of the male population.  Who might also like sex, but bless them, aren’t willing to be chauvinist pigs to get it.
They would never put you in a position that you would be uncomfortable with, they would never do anything to purposely hurt you, and most of all, know what the word no means.

To these men I say Thank You.  For making us feel safe, protected, and helping us realise we can be in control of our own sexual desires and destiny.  Thank you for  understanding what the word no means.  Thank you for not making us feel like objects for your desires, but as human beings with our own.  Thank you for not making us feel like whores, because *shock horror* we like (and in some cases LOVE) sex.  Thank you for making us not feel dirty because we like to get our rocks off and have healthy sex lives without fuss.  Most of all, Thank you for giving us the chance to open up and explore parts of our egos we are not usually in tune with.

Posted in crush, general musings, love, relationships, writing by Ambs on June 15, 2010

I hate this stupid sick feeling, it’s sticking to every part of me at the moment. It’s like this dread, I just can’t shake it, really starting to weigh me down, I really don’t want to feel like this anymore. I need to allow my own emancipation…

Time to find myself again, I lose sight of myself far too often.
Actually that’s not true, I’m still me, just at times I’m 50x magnified, which can be scary.
Just want this horrible, sickly, heartbroken feeling to just go the hell away.

I should not need a stupid man to feel like that. I should feel great in myself.
Time to pep up again.

What a load of bollocks, getting this twisted over someone who should mean so little to me, as I mean so little to him…

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Thinking, actually thinking….

Posted in general musings, psychology, relationships by Ambs on August 16, 2009

While I should be getting my write on. I’m sitting here thinking about the events of the past month.

I’m sick of having crushes on men I would never ever have a chance with. There I said it, I’m sick of being a crazy person around men I look upto(metaphorically as well as physically! hah!). Half my brain is thinking idiotic thoughts, while the other half is telling me to get a grip!
It’s like that with most things for me, which means while I should be “staying in the moment”, I’m stuck inside my head again. Then as the wrong thing comes out of my mouth, my brain goes NOOOO, then I beat myself up for awhile, depression sets in, and the cycle starts again.

Picking myself up in the middle of cycles is never fun. Reminding myself that I’m human and making mistakes is all a part of life, and that I’ll never be perfect. I get frustrated I think, because in my head all I can see is that people must percieve me as this manic woman, who has no idea who she is. When I’m actually the complete opposite.
I know who I am, and for the first time in my life, I know where I want to go. The fear of not being with someone is non-existant. I’m more scared of not making the most of what I’ve been given, I’m scared of not excelling now. I’m afraid of not doing what I want, not becoming who I want to become. I’m afraid of not getting into Arts / Psych, I’m afraid I’ll lose all of my mojo for psych, study, and self improvement, and live the non-existenial life I’ve been living the last 10 years. I’m ready to walk past the anxiety threshold, hit the top of the rollercoaster freak out a little, then realise I’m going to be fine, and wait for the downward slope towards less anxiety.

Depression is a lot like a rollercoaster, you get stuck on a never ending loop of ups and downs. Ups being those moments inside your head when you can do/say anything. To 5 minutes later, when that flash of genius comes out, and doesn’t exactly go the way you wanted, and all you want to do is go back to your bed, and hide under the covers.
Or the anxiety bell curve, where you sit precariously on the fence of excitement/anxiety, not completely sure which way it wil lgo, as soon as the anxiety ramps up, you either fight it, and hit a really high curve, or you don’t, you sit with it, you try not to let it effect you, you know why it’s there. It hits a mildly high point, and then it disappates, and you can function again.
The slightest thing can set you off, and annoyingly enough, its never the people that you care the most about that set you off, its the people that you care least about. It’s those people who you know you shouldn’t give the time of day. It’s those people who don’t deserve your time.

The other terrible part of anxiety, is that the negative thought can hit at any time, and they are usually triggered by the slightest event, or again the person you would rather not see. The other night for example, the smallest snigger in my direction, and it all hit me. It took me a good half hour to a) stop my blood from boiling, b) calm down, and c) remind myself that this person means so little to me, and that the reason they were acting as they were is because they have thier own problems, which are not mine to deal with!
Safe to say, as you can see I’m still angry, mostly beacuse I don’t deserve to be looked down upon by anyone. Although I do live in the smug comfort that I know more than she does, I’m older, I’ve learnt more, and I understand that it’s all a delicate balance. Although I’ve not been great in keeping that balance, I’ll admit that, I’ve screwed up a lot of things. I’d like to believe that I’ve learnt my lesson. When at times I know I haven’t, there’s certain mistakes I make time and again, I’m trying to stop doing that now. Trying being the operative word.
The delicate balance starts with me, in my head, being able to gauge when I’ve gone too far into my head in a situation, or if I’m being mindful of whats going on at that exact point in time. As happened the other night (it’s be the best way for me to explain the feeling, and how I got out of it), I was filled with anger, I didn’t think I deserved the reception I got. I stood there brewing, then at one moment I remembered why that person was acting like that. They have their own pre-conceptions about me, and whether they’re true or not is not something I can change. The only thing that I can change is me, and how I react to that situation, so I had to not care. I did it, and forgot the person was in the room or existed. That might sound completely callous, but it was the only way to deal with the situation at the time. Act like they’re a stranger, like they do not exist. It worked, I got lost in the amazingness of what was going on onstage, I danced I sung, I giggled like no one was watching. That whole free spirit thing.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, I can’t help it, I can’t hide how I feel, or I feel like I’m going to burst! I’m no longer asking permission to be excited about my passion, I’ll just be excited, and yes, you’ll have to put up with it! I’ll dance like no ones watching, or like I just don’t care.

One other thing. I just want to say thank you to the connectors in my life, you are some of the people who keep me going, your inspirational, amazing people who make me smile. Thank you so much, I hope you know who you are, because you’re incredibly special to me, and you help me break this cycle a little at a time. 🙂

Oh and… Goodbye Yellowbrick Road…

Act your age…

Posted in comedy, general musings, relationships, writing by Ambs on May 3, 2009

It’s the phrase I keep hearing time and time again.

You couldn’t believe how frustrating it is to hear those words, but then again, they have promted me to re-evaluate.
Actually look at the way I’ve been dealing with stressors in my life, look at the way I deal with those closest to me not understanding why I am like I am.

The answers are slowly coming together.
It’s taken a long time to look at the rejections in my life, and not think that they were a set back, but a learning experience.
I was incredibly jealous of people who could skate better than I did, and for some bizarre reason I equated the love of my parents to how good a skater I was. Which I know deep down is crap. My parents loved and still do love me, they just want the best for me.
Same with my sister and brothers.
I’m learning to form my own opinions and beliefs. I think I’m really scared I’ll never find a way to function through the Depression and Anxiety.
I am getting there, it’s hard when people are so confused, and even harder when all I try to do is appease everyone else in the room, rather than appeasing myself.

Appeasing myself is really hard, as it means I have to make decisions that could lead to more rejections. I’ve spent the last 10 years avoiding rejection, not believing that anyone else knew what it was like(yet I listen to heart broken country-alt-pop, and connect? Hmmm).  I had myself convinced that I was the only one that hurt. Which again is bizarre, as I’ve counseled friends back together, and also out of ruts.  Sometimes I’ve gotten pissed off, as after counseling them, which I shouldn’t have done, it has left me so emotionally crippled, that I can’t function myself(then that has repocussions on people who see whats happens when I become self-destructive).  There’s so many people out there that need help and I find them all the time.  But I can’t help them anymore, I need to focus on me(actually edit, I can help them, but if we’re close I can’t, you need go get real help, as I’m not a psych just yet, and even then I’d be sending you to someone else, as we’re too close. ).  Forging forward, looking back every once in awhile, but not getting stuck in dream world(Kenny Koala was awesome though!).

Getting stuck into my writing however is allowed.  Vyv is the person I aspire to be, Violet was me for years, and I’m standing at that junction that will take me to Vyv, and I’m doing what needs to be done to become her.  She’s the hard one to write, but I’m getting there. Violet’s ditzy innocence I know like the back of my hand, as I’ve lived it, now I’m traversing into Vyv territory, which is scary, but I can do it.

This whole belief in myself thing is really bizarre, its an interesting road, and at the same time an incredibly hard road.  How does someone whose based all of her life and a lot of her decisions on what other people would think, change?  Its hard to go; you know what, I don’t give a shit what those who mean the most to me think, THIS is me. Its really hard to train my brain to not care what people think when I slightly sing off key, that the one bung note does not make me a bad singer, it just means I went off tune.  That the way I veiw the world, is not incorrect, its just the way I see it from down here(and I mean that hight wise, not feeling wise).  That one shit stand-up gig means I should keep going forward and not give up, ’cause we’ve all had shit gigs.  Also that even though I was really freakin nervous the first two times on stage, that the nerves will always be there, but they will not navigate my show, I’ll do that.

Suburban Blues…

Posted in comedy, crush, food, general musings, giggles, love, music, nom nom, relationships, writing by Ambs on April 29, 2009

I got the suburban blues.
The low-down-dirty-suburban-blues.

I want my inner-city comfort back.

Actually I want my own little slice of the inner-city.

Fitzroy is home, its my happy place at the moment(well it has been for about 10 years). Unless of course when I go overseas I find another happy place(NYC anyone?). Fitzy is it.

Feel like I’ve grown up there, I skipped classes at Tafe to go sit in cafes and read when I was 18/19/20.  I’ve fallen for 10 different Fitzroy boys in the last 10 years! That’s right, count ’em TEN!
I can name all of them too, egads! But I won’t.

I do wonder whatever happened to Brendan and Jack though, I’m sure I saw Jack about 5 years ago walking out from the milkbar and I ran.
I do however know that one of them is now in a rather large band I loved, and still do have my moments with. Andy Andy Eyecandy, best guns on the planet, and I blushed the day he lent over me and asked if there was anything interesting in Beat that day(he smelt sooo good!).  I’m meant to forget idiotic moments like that right?
Or the night that my bar crush took me aside and told me he wanted to chain me up and spank me(oh please don’t let my mum read this!), he disgustingly enough had/has a girlfriend. I decided against going near the bar again, on the grounds that he was a sleeze! Sad though, as they make the best hot chocolate on the planet, and his specialty was strawberry daquari’s, and they were goood!

There’s the Punters, gone and lost. The amazing gigs I saw there, I shan’t forget(The Meanies, Klinger, and Mrs Pinkwhistle, BEST GIG EVER!!!!), and I’ll never forget the last night of drunken frivolity.
Nights at the Evelyn(or the evilyn, depending on what happens really!), Pop, punk, giggles, and great music. Unforunately I never got to go to the Ev’ before it was reno’d, so no old school “I remember when the stage was at the front of the room” stuff from me.
The Vegie Bar, which I like, but used to love, they have gotten better, there was a period of blah though. The food wasn’t as good.
Joe’s Garage, great food, and lovely staff. I’ve never had bad food, or not felt relaxed or at home there.
Red Tongue, food good, staff lovely, good for a Sat/Sun morn brunch.
The Hideout, I miss, with all my sweet lil heart. Well I miss when Mary was managing it.
Akari 77, great Japanese food! I loooovvveee it!
Red Rice was okay.
Nights at Bar Open, lordy lord. Sometimes it’s bizarre. Okay embarrassing admission, I licked a random boys tattoo there one night, not sure why, safe to say that copious amounts of beer had been consumed!
The Spanish Club ❤ . My first night at Spanish Club, was the night that Tripod won me over. Was Radiohead night too. I remember 3 distinct moments that night, 2nd Drawer Down going for faarrrrrrr too long, The Gatesy Brigade sitting in front of me getting confused by the Tron joke, and me laughing my arse off, and The Gatsey Brigade hunting Gatesy down at the end of the night. I had honestly never seen a group of girls swarm a man so fast in my life. Well apart from Chris from TLE, but even they seemed not as vulturish. I said I wasn’t going to be one of those gals, technically I wasn’t, but I did kind of, in my own special way! I should go and see them again, am waiting for the rock opera we’ve been promised!
The Rob Roy, ahh so many good gigs! I’ve seen some great gigs there. I walked through the other night on my way to Trades, its different, and there were lots of business attired people in there. Where the hell is the band room now? Sad to see they couldn’t fix that steep stoop into the gals toilets, I’ve nearly fallen down that thing a billion times!!

Brunswick Street Bookstore <3!
Sheila Vintage, the new vintage shop, they actually have some nice stuff!
Polyester Books and Music… mmmm
Grub St books.

The list goes on, I should be living in Fitzroy.
If home is where the heart is, then I lost mine in Fitzroy.