The psychobabbling food-loving seamstress.

A Complex Contradiction in terms…

Posted in crush, general musings, love, psychology, relationships, sex, writing by Ambs on January 1, 2011

“If she were only ordinary” – L.B.B Jeffries

This line from Rear Window bugs me oh so much.  It’s bought up the whore/madonna thing in my head again…

In Freudian psychoanalysis, this complex apparently only exists in men who have been bought up by cold/distant mothers.  This means the women they are in real relationships they love, but have problems being intimate with said person.  They feel comfortable being sexual with girls they see as “dirty”, and will not allow for loving feelings in these relationships.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot over the past year, and I know I contribute to the way men treat me, the way I talk to some of them, etc… As soon as intellectual conversation comes to the table some/most men switch off (the last one didn’t, and maybe that freaked me out a little too.  That and the rule of “intellectual conversation after sex”, but that put me in a tight spot too, as it put pressure on when I decided I was comfortable enough to sleep with him.  So really I couldn’t win! …and I wouldn’t conclude him as being an arse for doing that, obviously he was just try to speed up the process. I’m just too smart to let it get in the way of what I wanted.).  Then in relative terms any men I’ve been intellectually involved with get all weirded out as soon as any intimacy becomes involved.  Can’t win, I am either The Madonna or The Whore.

Could someone please tell me if men AT ALL have the capability to see a woman as a person who they can have amazing conversations with, and also have great sex with too?  I do know of one example, Geoffrey Robertson and Kathy Lette, there’s a couple I could imagine have a healthy intellectual and sexual relationship.
Then again, I can’t talk, I’ve only seen that in one man in my whole life… Oh wait maybe two or three, but I don’t count anyone I liked before the age of 25.

This has also bought up one of my other favourite parts of a movie:
Harry: He wants her to leave. That’s why he puts her on the plane.
Sally: I don’t think she wants to stay.
Harry: Of course she wants to stay. Wouldn’t you rather be with Humphrey Bogart than the other guy?
Sally: I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in Casablanca married to a man who runs a bar. That probably sounds very snobbish to you, but I don’t.
Harry: You’d rather be in a passionless marriage –
Sally: – and be the First Lady of Czechoslovakia –
Harry: – than live with the man… you’ve had the greatest sex of your life with, just because he owns a bar and that is all he does.
Sally: Yes, and so would any woman in her right mind. Women are very practical. Even Ingrid Bergman, which is why she gets on the plane at the end of the movie.

This is the other thing, boys talk about passion all the time, about how much they want it, but then they go off with the safe girls!? WTF? I don’t get it.
They talk of wanting strong independent women, then they shack up with chicks who suffocate their lives, while the rest of us live life in the single zone… *cue music* dodedodo dodedodo

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Self-analysis…

Posted in general musings, psychology by Ambs on March 28, 2009

Here’s a self-analysis I posted on FB about a week ago. I read this to my psych, and she loved it. I’ve re-read it about 10 – 20 times this week.

Depression, Anxiety, and hypersensitivity to rejection…
A rather scary combination, and lethal in a social context.

The hypersensitivity to rejection explains my negativity in many social instances. When there is nothing to worry about. Those thoughts of inadequacy are not what is actually happening in the moment, but from roots I’d rather not air.
Always put on show within a veil of alcohol. Thinking it was masking, while it was just embellishing what was already there.

Anxiety lying in the roots of inadequacy.

Then the inevitable depression follows.

I love being able to look at things this way. I understand, breaking the habits that are an undeniable part of the cycle, that’s the next step.

Step 1. Breaking down the thoughts, deciphering their context and learning that they don’t and will not define me anymore. This is always going to be a hard step, because with this comes an acceptance of what I do in certain social situations, and what I have done to others. It’s a hard thing to look at, terrifying in some instances. Accepting that I actually did some REALLY stupid things, and believing that I was smart(the inability to move fluidly, and adapt to change is part of that!). A smart person would not have done some of the things I did. But learning now, rather than regretting life choices when I’m older, I’d rather that.

Step 2. Letting myself be nervous in anxiety filled situations. I will shake, I will stammer, I will say some really dumb things. Also not turning to alcohol to quell the anxiety, just sitting with it, NOT letting it rule the situation. Not letting thoughts run away with a look, touch, smile, or whatever, they are just what they are, social interactions. But then again, be open to things that are out there. Stop my one-tracked-mind(there is only a certain amount of times you can listen to the broken record, going over the same groove, time and time again, before you want to turf it), be open to the various highways on life’s road.

Step 3. Learning to deal with rejection on a day-to-day basis, and to stop avoiding it, so that when it happens, I don’t want to curl up into a little ball and hide. Learn to reassess the situation, and look at the alternatives. Learn from my mistakes. Actually be able to identify what I did, and why it was adverse to the situation. Learning to live with Shades of Grey, not everyone will like me, but it also doesn’t mean that everyone hates me.

Step 4. Living with my decisions and not blaming them on others. Not being afraid, or thinking that another persons thoughts on my beliefs and values should have any affect on how I feel about them or change them. These are my core, what I hold true in my heart and mind. They are what make me me, and make me tick in my own way. Not let the negative thoughts get in the way of these core beliefs and values. Remember them, stick to them, live them, and it will help with my contentment.

Just a side note, these may not happen in that order, but will happen over time.

There is a lot to work through, and boy is it going to be fun to write about. Might even use some of it in my stand-up one day….

A rather scary combination, and lethal in a social context.

The hypersensitivity to rejection explains my negativity in many social instances. When there is nothing to worry about. Those thoughts of inadequacy are not what is actually happening in the moment, but from roots I’d rather not air.
Always put on show within a veil of alcohol. Thinking it was masking, while it was just embellishing what was already there.

Anxiety lying in the roots of inadequacy.

Then the inevitable depression follows.

I love being able to look at things this way. I understand, breaking the habits that are an undeniable part of the cycle, that’s the next step.

Step 1. Breaking down the thoughts, deciphering their context and learning that they don’t and will not define me anymore. This is always going to be a hard step, because with this comes an acceptance of what I do in certain social situations, and what I have done to others. It’s a hard thing to look at, terrifying in some instances. Accepting that I actually did some REALLY stupid things, and believing that I was smart(the inability to move fluidly, and adapt to change is part of that!). A smart person would not have done some of the things I did. But learning now, rather than regretting life choices when I’m older, I’d rather that.

Step 2. Letting myself be nervous in anxiety filled situations. I will shake, I will stammer, I will say some really dumb things. Also not turning to alcohol to quell the anxiety, just sitting with it, NOT letting it rule the situation. Not letting thoughts run away with a look, touch, smile, or whatever, they are just what they are, social interactions. But then again, be open to things that are out there. Stop my one-tracked-mind(there is only a certain amount of times you can listen to the broken record, going over the same groove, time and time again, before you want to turf it), be open to the various highways on life’s road.

Step 3. Learning to deal with rejection on a day-to-day basis, and to stop avoiding it, so that when it happens, I don’t want to curl up into a little ball and hide. Learn to reassess the situation, and look at the alternatives. Learn from my mistakes. Actually be able to identify what I did, and why it was adverse to the situation. Learning to live with Shades of Grey, not everyone will like me, but it also doesn’t mean that everyone hates me.

Step 4. Living with my decisions and not blaming them on others. Not being afraid, or thinking that another persons thoughts on my beliefs and values should have any affect on how I feel about them or change them. These are my core, what I hold true in my heart and mind. They are what make me me, and make me tick in my own way. Not let the negative thoughts get in the way of these core beliefs and values. Remember them, stick to them, live them, and it will help with my contentment.

Just a side note, these may not happen in that order, but will happen over time.

There is a lot to work through, and boy is it going to be fun to write about. Might even use some of it in my stand-up one day….