A Complex Contradiction in terms…
“If she were only ordinary” – L.B.B Jeffries
This line from Rear Window bugs me oh so much. It’s bought up the whore/madonna thing in my head again…
In Freudian psychoanalysis, this complex apparently only exists in men who have been bought up by cold/distant mothers. This means the women they are in real relationships they love, but have problems being intimate with said person. They feel comfortable being sexual with girls they see as “dirty”, and will not allow for loving feelings in these relationships.
I’ve been thinking about it a lot over the past year, and I know I contribute to the way men treat me, the way I talk to some of them, etc… As soon as intellectual conversation comes to the table some/most men switch off (the last one didn’t, and maybe that freaked me out a little too. That and the rule of “intellectual conversation after sex”, but that put me in a tight spot too, as it put pressure on when I decided I was comfortable enough to sleep with him. So really I couldn’t win! …and I wouldn’t conclude him as being an arse for doing that, obviously he was just try to speed up the process. I’m just too smart to let it get in the way of what I wanted.). Then in relative terms any men I’ve been intellectually involved with get all weirded out as soon as any intimacy becomes involved. Can’t win, I am either The Madonna or The Whore.
Could someone please tell me if men AT ALL have the capability to see a woman as a person who they can have amazing conversations with, and also have great sex with too? I do know of one example, Geoffrey Robertson and Kathy Lette, there’s a couple I could imagine have a healthy intellectual and sexual relationship.
Then again, I can’t talk, I’ve only seen that in one man in my whole life… Oh wait maybe two or three, but I don’t count anyone I liked before the age of 25.
This has also bought up one of my other favourite parts of a movie:
Harry: He wants her to leave. That’s why he puts her on the plane.
Sally: I don’t think she wants to stay.
Harry: Of course she wants to stay. Wouldn’t you rather be with Humphrey Bogart than the other guy?
Sally: I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in Casablanca married to a man who runs a bar. That probably sounds very snobbish to you, but I don’t.
Harry: You’d rather be in a passionless marriage –
Sally: – and be the First Lady of Czechoslovakia –
Harry: – than live with the man… you’ve had the greatest sex of your life with, just because he owns a bar and that is all he does.
Sally: Yes, and so would any woman in her right mind. Women are very practical. Even Ingrid Bergman, which is why she gets on the plane at the end of the movie.
This is the other thing, boys talk about passion all the time, about how much they want it, but then they go off with the safe girls!? WTF? I don’t get it.
They talk of wanting strong independent women, then they shack up with chicks who suffocate their lives, while the rest of us live life in the single zone… *cue music* dodedodo dodedodo
Depression… Maybe I should counteract it with….Botox?
I’m always amazed at how ignorant people are…
…and I know “ignorance is bliss”, but honestly a little bit of empathy goes a long long way.
Danii Minouge’s “revelation” that she slipped into depression while her sister was undergoing treatment for breast cancer, and when one of her friends passed away, is not something uncommon in the community. But to counteract it with Botox?
Now I know I am not really one to talk, because to counteract anxiety and depression I have been known on many an occasion to drink, sometimes excessively, sometimes not. I have been known to use the noxious poison to handle the shakes and the jitters that come with anxiety attacks. But we know exactly what and how the chemical reactions of alcohol effect our bodies (and the stupid stupid things we do while drinking the stuff).
But, botox? A potentially, hell not potentially, an indefinite poison. This is the kind of stuff that if an amount that was the size of a 5c piece was released into the atmosphere has the potential to kill 4.5 million people, and you inject it INTO your face? WHAT? It also has the potential that, if injected incorrectly, to cause major brain damage.
Apart from that, I’m not sure how doing something aesthetically pleasing would help with a medical condition that is brain based? Especially emotionally/ cognitively based.
On top of that I think back to when my friend John was sick, and the tireless efforts of his family. His mother who gave up work to look after him, as well as his father, and his extremely brave brother who never complained, all the way until the end. They worked tirelessly to make sure that he was comfortable, I couldn’t imagine what it would have been like to watch someone you love so dearly pass under such circumstances. It was hard enough to watch him as a friend, and not be able to do anything.
Wouldn’t you think it would be mentally pleasing to instead of spending however much money on Botox, sitting with your family and talking might be a better solution Danni? Going to a counselor (which you can afford, unlike the many millions of people who are in need of desperate mental health treatment, but governments fob off with bullshit excuses) might be a better solution than paralysing your face with a dangerous bacteria?
It all just confuses and angers me. Not because we know she has problems, not because she is a z-grade celebrity riding on her sisters coat-tails, but the whole ignorance to depression. Which in this story seems to be a resolutely bad cover up for something that is none of anyone’s business anyway.
Dear editors, do a REAL article on depression. An article of people in the midst, and those that have over-come it. Not just a faff piece about “oh I went to see a brilliant counsellor, and we worked through it in 6 weeks.” So not true. The changing of ones behaviors and re-aligning one with their beliefs and values, DOES NOT TAKE 6 WEEKS!
That first 6 weeks, of counseling is get-to-know-you time, to really get to know who a person is, and how they deal with situations, and the people around them. Then the real work starts, and it isn’t a matter of a few weeks, it takes months (even years in severe cases). People will fall back, they will make mistakes, they can make those mistakes at any part of thier treatment, they need support during this period, because the need to be reminded that you can pick up where you left off, and that you are not taking 5 steps backwards is EVIDENT! Then on top of that, there is the fun medication ween off, which needs to be done as therapy is being done. So that the physical side effects can be dealt with as well. So that the body can learn to regulate again.
I will take my angry pants off one day, when people decided to do the right thing by their patients, then again, the patients have to do the right thing by their psychologists and psychiatrists. Tell the truth, be honest, and you will see the maximum results, and never ever be afraid to try someone new if your current psych is making you uncomfortable. Also know though, that there will be moments where what your psych will say will scare the bejesus out of you! Listen and consider what they say, really think about it, if it still doesn’t sit right with you, then move on. It’s not a matter of them not understanding you, they are trying to help you, but you both need to come to a compromise to make what you are working towards, something that you can achieve.
After the deluge…
My head still brims with idea’s, for solo shows, for impro fun, and just to challenge the norm. Not to be subversive, not to challenge by pushing the wrong boundaries, but to push things differently. I don’t want to upset, anger, or ridicule, I want to challenge perspectives.
So many people are out to make this big bang by being controversial. What’s more controversial than changing perspective though? By giving people a look into a head space that they wouldn’t usually see (maybe even help to get some perspective in their own head space).
But I’m feeling kind of blank, and relived that I’ve given myself a break, and admitted that I couldn’t do it.
I’ve postponed my baby, so I can make it bigger and better than before. More players, bigger story lines, and more room to move physically and mentally. I want to keep the audience involved while keeping them at arms length, so they won’t know what is going to happen next. For them to be salivating at every twist and turn. It’s all about them. I’ve spent too many gigs thinking about dozing off in boredom, to watch someone on stage mindlessly wank on about themselves, and not realise that the reason we are there, is because we WANT you to take us on a journey. PLEASE take us with you, don’t leave us wondering why we gave up a night in our nice warm home, watching TV or movies we know we will get enjoyment out of.
I want you to feel electricity as soon as you walk into the room, to know you’re being taken somewhere else, for your stomach to do flips in excitement. I want even the hardest of critics to soften ever so slightly at the sight (the feel, even the smell), to realise that we’re not there to bang on about nothing in particular, we’re here to serve you. To connect and disconnect at will, so you’re longing to connect again, to help with the next turn in events, then for you to sit precariously onthe edge of you’re seat while we weave the story a little more, and to leave you with more questions than you came with….
Self-Awareness Vs. Ego.
In my book, I hope that Self-awareness wins out. Well I’d hope that for everyone.
I’ve been thinking about the people I’ve come across, and thought that they had MASSIVE EGO’s. When maybe its more of a self-awareness thing. Which completely changes my view of some people. In a positive way.
Although, I still think others feed off their own Ego, and some peoples lack-there-of self-awareness or Ego. I sit back and wonder how, at your age, you could be so utterly unaware of your egotism?
I salute those with a healthy amount of self-awareness and ego. As I think that ego does play a healthy role in all of our lives, as long as it is balanced. Self-Awareness and Ego are easily confused. Ego is the physical form of who you are, what people see, putting your best foot forward so to speak. Self-Awareness however feeds ones ego, and in some cases an inflated ego comes from a distorted form of self-awareness.
Sometimes we’re all guilty of letting our ego’s runaway into la la land. I don’t understand elongated periods of egocentricity though. There’s a difference to knowing what you’re talking about, being able to talk about it with passion and confidence, and being unaware of your egocentricity. Those who allow their opinions to be, the be all and end all on a subject, points to some kind of distortion. As an opinion is just that, an opinion. It does not void anyone’s thoughts, feelings or the way that you should treat them.
Self-analysis…
Here’s a self-analysis I posted on FB about a week ago. I read this to my psych, and she loved it. I’ve re-read it about 10 – 20 times this week.
The hypersensitivity to rejection explains my negativity in many social instances. When there is nothing to worry about. Those thoughts of inadequacy are not what is actually happening in the moment, but from roots I’d rather not air.
Always put on show within a veil of alcohol. Thinking it was masking, while it was just embellishing what was already there.
Anxiety lying in the roots of inadequacy.
Then the inevitable depression follows.
I love being able to look at things this way. I understand, breaking the habits that are an undeniable part of the cycle, that’s the next step.
Step 1. Breaking down the thoughts, deciphering their context and learning that they don’t and will not define me anymore. This is always going to be a hard step, because with this comes an acceptance of what I do in certain social situations, and what I have done to others. It’s a hard thing to look at, terrifying in some instances. Accepting that I actually did some REALLY stupid things, and believing that I was smart(the inability to move fluidly, and adapt to change is part of that!). A smart person would not have done some of the things I did. But learning now, rather than regretting life choices when I’m older, I’d rather that.
Step 2. Letting myself be nervous in anxiety filled situations. I will shake, I will stammer, I will say some really dumb things. Also not turning to alcohol to quell the anxiety, just sitting with it, NOT letting it rule the situation. Not letting thoughts run away with a look, touch, smile, or whatever, they are just what they are, social interactions. But then again, be open to things that are out there. Stop my one-tracked-mind(there is only a certain amount of times you can listen to the broken record, going over the same groove, time and time again, before you want to turf it), be open to the various highways on life’s road.
Step 3. Learning to deal with rejection on a day-to-day basis, and to stop avoiding it, so that when it happens, I don’t want to curl up into a little ball and hide. Learn to reassess the situation, and look at the alternatives. Learn from my mistakes. Actually be able to identify what I did, and why it was adverse to the situation. Learning to live with Shades of Grey, not everyone will like me, but it also doesn’t mean that everyone hates me.
Step 4. Living with my decisions and not blaming them on others. Not being afraid, or thinking that another persons thoughts on my beliefs and values should have any affect on how I feel about them or change them. These are my core, what I hold true in my heart and mind. They are what make me me, and make me tick in my own way. Not let the negative thoughts get in the way of these core beliefs and values. Remember them, stick to them, live them, and it will help with my contentment.
Just a side note, these may not happen in that order, but will happen over time.
There is a lot to work through, and boy is it going to be fun to write about. Might even use some of it in my stand-up one day….
The hypersensitivity to rejection explains my negativity in many social instances. When there is nothing to worry about. Those thoughts of inadequacy are not what is actually happening in the moment, but from roots I’d rather not air.
Always put on show within a veil of alcohol. Thinking it was masking, while it was just embellishing what was already there.
Anxiety lying in the roots of inadequacy.
Then the inevitable depression follows.
I love being able to look at things this way. I understand, breaking the habits that are an undeniable part of the cycle, that’s the next step.
Step 1. Breaking down the thoughts, deciphering their context and learning that they don’t and will not define me anymore. This is always going to be a hard step, because with this comes an acceptance of what I do in certain social situations, and what I have done to others. It’s a hard thing to look at, terrifying in some instances. Accepting that I actually did some REALLY stupid things, and believing that I was smart(the inability to move fluidly, and adapt to change is part of that!). A smart person would not have done some of the things I did. But learning now, rather than regretting life choices when I’m older, I’d rather that.
Step 2. Letting myself be nervous in anxiety filled situations. I will shake, I will stammer, I will say some really dumb things. Also not turning to alcohol to quell the anxiety, just sitting with it, NOT letting it rule the situation. Not letting thoughts run away with a look, touch, smile, or whatever, they are just what they are, social interactions. But then again, be open to things that are out there. Stop my one-tracked-mind(there is only a certain amount of times you can listen to the broken record, going over the same groove, time and time again, before you want to turf it), be open to the various highways on life’s road.
Step 3. Learning to deal with rejection on a day-to-day basis, and to stop avoiding it, so that when it happens, I don’t want to curl up into a little ball and hide. Learn to reassess the situation, and look at the alternatives. Learn from my mistakes. Actually be able to identify what I did, and why it was adverse to the situation. Learning to live with Shades of Grey, not everyone will like me, but it also doesn’t mean that everyone hates me.
Step 4. Living with my decisions and not blaming them on others. Not being afraid, or thinking that another persons thoughts on my beliefs and values should have any affect on how I feel about them or change them. These are my core, what I hold true in my heart and mind. They are what make me me, and make me tick in my own way. Not let the negative thoughts get in the way of these core beliefs and values. Remember them, stick to them, live them, and it will help with my contentment.
Just a side note, these may not happen in that order, but will happen over time.
There is a lot to work through, and boy is it going to be fun to write about. Might even use some of it in my stand-up one day….
The Psychobabbling muse – herein she starts…
Psych pushes me to think outside of my square, it pushes me to think in general, and I can study so many different facets of the world that intriuge and scare me, and understand them through the eye’s of the mind.
If I’m afraid of something, I seek knowledge to understand it.
I hate reading newspapers or watching the news. I hate reading headlines, and even moreso I hate reading over-sensationalised peices of faff from people who have only studied the piece of information they are reporting on for about 48 hours. Not really down with over-sensationalised reporting in general.
I find places like Twitter and Facebook amusing and interesting. I like the fact that we can recieve real up-to-date, moment by moment, from the ground reporting with this technology.
I’ve met a lot of people over time that I never thought I would learn from, but have taught me some of the most amazing things.
I love to learn about culture, I dislike reading about it, but I love to listen to people speak about their culture, how they live in it, and why they live the way they do. I love to learn, and I find talking to and learning from others is the best way to do it. I love to sit and listening to people speak, one of the reasons I enjoy comedy I suppose. I love to watch people tell stories, to be able to make fun of ridiculous situations.
If I can’t get my head around something I ask questions. I question everything. I question peoples reasoning for doing certain things, and they don’t like it, but I’ll keep on questioning. My enquiring mind does not stop.
I’m used to being ignored, but I don’t deal with it very well.
My brain works at odds with itself at times, I really want your attention, but once I get it, sometimes I don’t know what to do with it. Those negative thoughts fill my mind, and I used to listen to them, as I thought they defined who I was. Now I shall sit with them, and let them be there, but also counter-act them with the sensible side of my brain.
A few articles that will pop up over the next few days…
-Psychological revelations about who I am at this particular point in time, what is changing in my world, and how I am dealing with the changes. An on-going body of work, making me feel all Freudian, maybe it’ll help someone else someday.
– Growing up and leaning about the world, what I thought was slow, but was actually earlier than I realised. Remembering my tweens(back then we were just kids, and we still are) and how that part of my life really shaped who I am today.
– Music, music, music, and more music.
– Laws of attraction, realising why I always like the “bad boys”, and why the nice guys always get lost in the crowd.
– Comedians, why I love them, why laughter is one of the best forms of medicine, who my comedic heroes are, and why.
– Why a well written piece of prose, can be amazing on paper, but when translated to a spoken submission, all the laughs get lost.
The psychobabbling food-loving seamstress. 
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