A Complex Contradiction in terms…

“If she were only ordinary” – L.B.B Jeffries

This line from Rear Window bugs me oh so much.  It’s bought up the whore/madonna thing in my head again…

In Freudian psychoanalysis, this complex apparently only exists in men who have been bought up by cold/distant mothers.  This means the women they are in real relationships they love, but have problems being intimate with said person.  They feel comfortable being sexual with girls they see as “dirty”, and will not allow for loving feelings in these relationships.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot over the past year, and I know I contribute to the way men treat me, the way I talk to some of them, etc… As soon as intellectual conversation comes to the table some/most men switch off (the last one didn’t, and maybe that freaked me out a little too.  That and the rule of “intellectual conversation after sex”, but that put me in a tight spot too, as it put pressure on when I decided I was comfortable enough to sleep with him.  So really I couldn’t win! …and I wouldn’t conclude him as being an arse for doing that, obviously he was just try to speed up the process. I’m just too smart to let it get in the way of what I wanted.).  Then in relative terms any men I’ve been intellectually involved with get all weirded out as soon as any intimacy becomes involved.  Can’t win, I am either The Madonna or The Whore.

Could someone please tell me if men AT ALL have the capability to see a woman as a person who they can have amazing conversations with, and also have great sex with too?  I do know of one example, Geoffrey Robertson and Kathy Lette, there’s a couple I could imagine have a healthy intellectual and sexual relationship.
Then again, I can’t talk, I’ve only seen that in one man in my whole life… Oh wait maybe two or three, but I don’t count anyone I liked before the age of 25.

This has also bought up one of my other favourite parts of a movie:
Harry: He wants her to leave. That’s why he puts her on the plane.
Sally: I don’t think she wants to stay.
Harry: Of course she wants to stay. Wouldn’t you rather be with Humphrey Bogart than the other guy?
Sally: I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in Casablanca married to a man who runs a bar. That probably sounds very snobbish to you, but I don’t.
Harry: You’d rather be in a passionless marriage –
Sally: – and be the First Lady of Czechoslovakia –
Harry: – than live with the man… you’ve had the greatest sex of your life with, just because he owns a bar and that is all he does.
Sally: Yes, and so would any woman in her right mind. Women are very practical. Even Ingrid Bergman, which is why she gets on the plane at the end of the movie.

This is the other thing, boys talk about passion all the time, about how much they want it, but then they go off with the safe girls!? WTF? I don’t get it.
They talk of wanting strong independent women, then they shack up with chicks who suffocate their lives, while the rest of us live life in the single zone… *cue music* dodedodo dodedodo

…

I hate this stupid sick feeling, it’s sticking to every part of me at the moment. It’s like this dread, I just can’t shake it, really starting to weigh me down, I really don’t want to feel like this anymore. I need to allow my own emancipation…

Time to find myself again, I lose sight of myself far too often.
Actually that’s not true, I’m still me, just at times I’m 50x magnified, which can be scary.
Just want this horrible, sickly, heartbroken feeling to just go the hell away.

I should not need a stupid man to feel like that. I should feel great in myself.
Time to pep up again.

What a load of bollocks, getting this twisted over someone who should mean so little to me, as I mean so little to him…

After the deluge…

My head still brims with idea’s, for solo shows, for impro fun, and just to challenge the norm.  Not to be subversive, not to challenge by pushing the wrong boundaries, but to push things differently.  I don’t want to upset, anger, or ridicule, I want to challenge perspectives.

So many people are out to make this big bang by being controversial.  What’s more controversial  than changing perspective though?  By giving people a look into a head space that they wouldn’t usually see (maybe even help to get some perspective in their own head space).

But I’m feeling kind of blank, and relived that I’ve given myself a break, and admitted that I couldn’t do it.
I’ve postponed my baby, so I can make it bigger and better than before.  More players, bigger story lines, and more room to move physically and mentally.  I want to keep the audience involved while keeping them at arms length, so they won’t know what is going to happen next.  For them to be salivating at every twist and turn.  It’s all about them.  I’ve spent too many gigs thinking about dozing off in boredom, to watch someone on stage mindlessly wank on about themselves, and not realise that the reason we are there, is because we WANT you to take us on a journey.  PLEASE take us with you, don’t leave us wondering why we gave up a night in our nice warm home, watching TV or movies we know we will get enjoyment out of.

I want you to feel electricity as soon as you walk into the room, to know you’re being taken somewhere else, for your stomach to do flips in excitement.  I want even the hardest of critics to soften ever so slightly at the sight (the feel, even the smell), to realise that we’re not there to bang on about nothing in particular, we’re here to serve you.  To connect and disconnect at will, so you’re longing to connect again, to help with the next turn in events, then for you to sit precariously onthe edge of you’re seat while we weave the story a little more, and to leave you with more questions than you came with….

…and waking up from a 3 week daze…

…what a mental 3 weeks.

I’ve had a fantastic 3 weeks, Tripod 8 times in 3 weeks (why? You ask. You tell me and we’ll both know, because I’m not really sure), seeing Justin Hamilton doing the coda to his 3 Colours Hammo Trilogy, meeting Tony Martin(making an arse of myself), and seeing Children Collide, I’d say its been the most amazing 3 weeks.
I’ve spent more time in Fitzroy than I have in a long time, I miss it as soon as I cross Alexandra Parade into Clifton Hill. I can’t explain my love for this little web of existence in the North of Melbourne.
I walked down Bell street the other week, after one of my many nights at Trades Hall, and ached at the thought that I wasn’t walking into one of those houses to go home. I hate leaving the place, I feel at peace while I’m there.
It’s one of the only places on this planet that I feel so calm in. Even when there’s people there I hate, and I don’t think deserve to live within its warm loving arms. Do they know why this place is so special? Do they understand that it’s not the “cool” factor of Fitzroy, it’s not being seen in the right places(I’m going to be crucified, I’ve tried to love Mario’s, but I can’t, I’d rather be in the Marqis of Lorne. Maybe someone can recommend something nice from Mario’s for me to try? I might change my mind.), it’s just home, the smells, the sights, the sounds… I’ve never felt more at home than I do there. There’s nothing I’d change about the place, even though it’s changed so very much over the years.

I can’t wait to move into my own place there. Hoping that by some kind of miraculous miracle that I find somewhere I can affrord without living below the poverty line! There’s nothing like walking the streets of Fitzroy as the sun is setting or rising. There’s nothing like a beautiful Fitzroy afternoon, wandering down Brunswick Street the warmth of the sun warming my tired winter bones. Great food, great friends, the sounds of good music coming from houses, the sounds of people having parties/BBQ’s/Dinner Parties, and just happiness in general.

And the beat goes on…

Firstly, thank god things have been fixed at The Tote! We shall see its beer soaked floors again! We shall rock out, we shall drink too much and bully the Juke Box. We shall play pool on that spew soaked table again.  We shall delight at the like of the Meanies, Digger and the Pussycats, and countless other bands we love.  We shall drink amazing cocktails in the Cobra Bar, and indulge in our love of Sissies and Sluts.

*big sigh of relief*

Welcome to Suburbia…

The signs out the front emblazoned with bright fluro yellow lettering, begging us to relive the glory days in suburbia.  “Kevin ‘Bloody’ Wilson, 17th May. 18+ only!”, “Psuedo Echo and Wa Wa Knee, 15th May, 18+ only”.  My mind boggles, what in the hell am I doing here?
I grew up in the outer northern leafy suburbs, not this main-roaded continuum of non-existence.  Where I lived, the cherry blossoms bloomed every spring, I rode my bike to the park, or the vacant lot down the street, in which we would set-up jumps and obstacles, and didn’t care if we hurt ourselves.  We loved bad music, and were not afraid to say it, A.K.A. Reasons I know all the lyrics, to Rick Astley, Bros, Belinda Carlisle, and Girlfriend(oh, and all the words to “We are the World”, USAforAFRICA!).  I remember when Michael Jordan’s Air Pumps were the ultimate accessory for anyone to have.  I remember the last time it was cool to wear leotards to places other than your gym, or dance class.  I remember going to see “Big” at Northland Shopping Centre cinemas, and thinking that Tom Hanks was the most outrageously hilarious person ever!  Or the first time I saw The Karate Kid, Ralph Macchio was SO dreaammmyyy!  Also remember friday nights in front of the TV with fish ‘n’ chips, 21 Jump Street and a video to watch.

Anyways enough with reminiscing….

After living no further than 1 – 2 kms from the city/Fitzroy for the better part of the last 1 1/2 years, being back in The Burbs is safe-to-say, an interesting experience.  I’m starting to feel the inklings of depression, but I refuse to give up, or go there again.
I’m used to the walk up Johnston street, where the only signs I notice are the ones on either side of the Tote, reminding me yet again that I missed Digger.  Or the new mural on the side of the Night Cat, which is slowly coming together, it makes me smile.  As does the new mural on the inside right hand wall of the ex-wick, its bright and colourful.  Has that kinda dirty Brunswick Street, non-yuppie, dirty-hippie, burning-the-patchouli-incense kinda feel I love.

Marqis of Lorne…

… oh how I love thee.

My favourite Melbourne Pub(well maybe equal first along with, The Napier, The Rose, and The Corner), although my two favourite things have disappeared off their menu, Steak Sandwich and Chicken Parma???? WTF!? What happened?

Although I did have the most extremely amazing meal there on Sat, home made Chicken and Sweet Corn Soup, and Braised Lamb Shanks, OMG! So good, had the meat sweats after, too much meat!

Thinking of Parma’s, as I have been craving one for well over a week, I’m going back to The Corner soon to get my Fix. I think The Corner’s Parma’s are my favourite in Melbourne.

What’s your favourite Pub to get your Parma & pot fix?

Whats your your fav Melbourne Pub?

Suburban Blues…

I got the suburban blues.
The low-down-dirty-suburban-blues.

I want my inner-city comfort back.

Actually I want my own little slice of the inner-city.

Fitzroy is home, its my happy place at the moment(well it has been for about 10 years). Unless of course when I go overseas I find another happy place(NYC anyone?). Fitzy is it.

Feel like I’ve grown up there, I skipped classes at Tafe to go sit in cafes and read when I was 18/19/20.  I’ve fallen for 10 different Fitzroy boys in the last 10 years! That’s right, count ’em TEN!
I can name all of them too, egads! But I won’t.

I do wonder whatever happened to Brendan and Jack though, I’m sure I saw Jack about 5 years ago walking out from the milkbar and I ran.
I do however know that one of them is now in a rather large band I loved, and still do have my moments with. Andy Andy Eyecandy, best guns on the planet, and I blushed the day he lent over me and asked if there was anything interesting in Beat that day(he smelt sooo good!).  I’m meant to forget idiotic moments like that right?
Or the night that my bar crush took me aside and told me he wanted to chain me up and spank me(oh please don’t let my mum read this!), he disgustingly enough had/has a girlfriend. I decided against going near the bar again, on the grounds that he was a sleeze! Sad though, as they make the best hot chocolate on the planet, and his specialty was strawberry daquari’s, and they were goood!

There’s the Punters, gone and lost. The amazing gigs I saw there, I shan’t forget(The Meanies, Klinger, and Mrs Pinkwhistle, BEST GIG EVER!!!!), and I’ll never forget the last night of drunken frivolity.
Nights at the Evelyn(or the evilyn, depending on what happens really!), Pop, punk, giggles, and great music. Unforunately I never got to go to the Ev’ before it was reno’d, so no old school “I remember when the stage was at the front of the room” stuff from me.
The Vegie Bar, which I like, but used to love, they have gotten better, there was a period of blah though. The food wasn’t as good.
Joe’s Garage, great food, and lovely staff. I’ve never had bad food, or not felt relaxed or at home there.
Red Tongue, food good, staff lovely, good for a Sat/Sun morn brunch.
The Hideout, I miss, with all my sweet lil heart. Well I miss when Mary was managing it.
Akari 77, great Japanese food! I loooovvveee it!
Red Rice was okay.
Nights at Bar Open, lordy lord. Sometimes it’s bizarre. Okay embarrassing admission, I licked a random boys tattoo there one night, not sure why, safe to say that copious amounts of beer had been consumed!
The Spanish Club ❤ . My first night at Spanish Club, was the night that Tripod won me over. Was Radiohead night too. I remember 3 distinct moments that night, 2nd Drawer Down going for faarrrrrrr too long, The Gatesy Brigade sitting in front of me getting confused by the Tron joke, and me laughing my arse off, and The Gatsey Brigade hunting Gatesy down at the end of the night. I had honestly never seen a group of girls swarm a man so fast in my life. Well apart from Chris from TLE, but even they seemed not as vulturish. I said I wasn’t going to be one of those gals, technically I wasn’t, but I did kind of, in my own special way! I should go and see them again, am waiting for the rock opera we’ve been promised!
The Rob Roy, ahh so many good gigs! I’ve seen some great gigs there. I walked through the other night on my way to Trades, its different, and there were lots of business attired people in there. Where the hell is the band room now? Sad to see they couldn’t fix that steep stoop into the gals toilets, I’ve nearly fallen down that thing a billion times!!

Brunswick Street Bookstore <3!
Sheila Vintage, the new vintage shop, they actually have some nice stuff!
Polyester Books and Music… mmmm
Grub St books.

The list goes on, I should be living in Fitzroy.
If home is where the heart is, then I lost mine in Fitzroy.

April, Wonderful April…

So here we are again April my good friend. Filled with a sense of hope, joy, frivolity, and newness that comes with becoming a year older.

Decided it was probably time to start talking about things that weren’t Psych related!

FOOD!

I had a friend say to me that she was surprised at how much I loved food. I think it is my small frame. I don’t really look like your every day food loving type. I don’t believe in quantity(that goes for small quantities as well, I like it JUST right! My guests are to be fed, fed well, and sometimes over-fed. lol), food is all about quality and presentation for me. I love a meal I can admire before eating, like a piece of art. I put effort into even the dullest of meals, except possibly two minute noodles, there isn’t much you can do with dry noodles and a flavour sachet.

I’m apparently what one would call a connoisseur. Although I’m not too sure.

I love a good steak and 3 veg, but I can’t do it all that often, as I crave different flavours.  An amazing Korma or Butter Chicken. My roasts are never plain(this includes roasts of the verbal kind too!), I am slowly perfecting the art of Greek styled roast lamb, with a specialised marinade. If I do a steak, it’s seared with a special coating on the outside, Worcestershire sauce, Dijon Mustard, lemon, etc etc(a good magician never reveals all of her secrets). Chicken is used in anything from a fresh stirfry, to having a lazy night of either moroccan coating with vegies on the side, or if I’m uber lazy fajita’s!

Oh and speaking of sauces, Worcestershire sauce is amazing in sooo many dishes. My fav being in my specialised spag bol.

Also have a mighty addiction to a good Napoli sauce, and I think I finally perfected it while I was living in iHoe. Which is good, as it is easily transferable in many Italian dishes.

As you can tell, I spend days off(if not out) watching cooking shows. Mmmm food. My fav Aussie chef is Tobie Puttock, and I love  Jamie O, but who doesn’t? I’m at odds with Nigella, she can make some really amazing dishes, but at times she makes some utterly bizarre things I wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot bargepole.

If not that, reading fashion mags, actually I buy them for the pictures!

I love my sewing endevours, I’ve been finding more and more of late though, that I have been making design changes in many of the general patterns I have.

My taste in clothes is what many would call ‘vintage’, yet I haven’t bought a second hand piece of clothing in a long long time! So I suppose my taste in design and fabric is ‘vintage’, mostly anything that ranges from the 1950s – 1970s, with a little 1920s couture thrown in for good measure. I flair off with a little modern design for comfort, and to fit my body.

Pencil skirts and maxi dresses have been my thing for the last few months, I found some amazing fabric at Clegs, but as it is $79 a m, I think I may just have to wait until a) I have perfected my design, and b) made the redesign of the skirt I have been dreaming about for the past 2 years.  As for the maxi-dresses, I made my first, and I still love it, but then I did a re-design so that I could wear it as a halter neck, and it looks pretty good, one of my favs to say the very least.

I do love an easy 50s rock-n- roll dress as well, my last endevour into that field was inspired by one of the last episodes of S&TC. Where Carrie is wearing the Red Spotted dress in Paris. My one isn’t half as cool, but I have recieved many a compliment when wearing it.

Comfort is most often paramount with my clothes. Although I’ll admit, I’ve made some pieces with the thought of catching attention. Sometimes I pull it off, sometimes not so much. More often than not though, I recieve compliments on what I’m wearing when I least expect it.